Long Bus Rides and Stupid Thoughts

Another day goes by while I pretend that everything is okay in this world. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather just live and get by then start any problems or throw a monkey wrench at my daily routines. But how many times is that same mindset and battle between my heart and my head going to stop me from hitting the glass ceiling, and never breaking out.

I know for a fact there's been a time in my life where I wanted to say something, but I'd let the fear of losing a friendship and keeping the status quo balance of my life control that. If anything, it just lead to more confusion than anything else. I try to convince myself how lucky I am to just have you as a friend and that losing you would be worse than having the chance and possibility that we get to grow this relationship into something more. So this time... is it the same?

Once again I find myself in a place where I'm thinking about this. How lucky I am to know someone like you in my life that can make me smile, change my values, and really contemplate and make me think of a future. How many times I wanted to change the things I did and challenge myself so that I can become a better person. I mean, it wasn't only for you, I know that I had to make the changes too, but you're the one that really jump started and was the catalyst that set it into motion.

So am I content with that and keeping the friendship alive, always just wondering about the what ifs and possibilities, or do I go ahead and tell her how I feel, all while having the risk of uprooting everything we have and essentially killing the flames.

The times I see you, my heart shakes, my stomach drops, my eyes shine and I can't help but smile. You make me feel different. You make me feel safe. The way that I want to be with you, the way that you made me challenge my priorities and bad habits, the way that I can joke around yet be completely serious with you... It's just different. My mind is telling me to not be stupid and that it's really nothing, but my heart loves every little thing you do, and wants to comfort you when you're angry, be with you when you're sad, and be the one that makes you smile.

It's selfish. I really know that it is... That these things just may be one sided and that of course, you're not obligated in any fashion to return these feelings at all, but I'm still wrestling to see if you really need to know these things or if I can just sit by and just watch you leave my sight and just repress these until they're gone. I've tried to do that while I was in college since I thought it was a given that nothing can ever happen between us, but coming back and having the chances to spend more time with you and be with you more hurts me like a double-edged sword. I love spending the time with you and I would find any excuse to spend time with you, but the more that happens it makes me long for you more...

I'm confused and don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm feeling, but I know it's different from the others. I don't know what to do, but I really do want to be with you. 

If These Trees Could Talk.

If these trees could talk they'd say I'm a failure.

If these trees could talk they'd say I'm a coward.

If these trees could talk they'd say I quit too early.

If these trees could talk they'd say I didn't try hard enough.

If these trees could talk they'd say I took the easy way out.

If these trees could talk they'd say I lacked love.

If these trees could talk they'd say I didn't talk risks.

If these trees could talk they'd say I'm filled with regret.

If these trees could talk they'd say I never let go.

If these trees could talk they'd say I'm obsessed.

If these trees could talk they'd say I'm stupid.

If these trees could talk they'd say I make false promises.

If these trees could talk they'd say I'm a liar.

If these trees could talk they'd say I'm a fake.

If these trees could talk they'd say I lost.

If these trees could talk they'd say I stopped looking.

If these trees could talk they'd say I lost my way.

If these trees could talk they'd say I stopped listening.

The Mistakes We Knew We Were Making.

It's crazy to think about how many times you make the same mistake over and over again, just hoping for a different outcome every time you commit those mistakes.  Sometimes it can be just as simple as holding the key in the wrong direction when you try to open your door or it can be a complex, by making one mistake and creating a domino effect that just propels you into a downward motion.  Now, I didn't commit THAT complex of a mistake, like starting heroine or anything crazy like that, but there's been some bad mistakes that I constantly make that create a negative effect in my life.  It can be something as small as procrastinating when studying or doing homework or something as big as being with the wrong people and causing yourself and your lifestyle to change and suffer in that way as well.

I'd hope to think that I grew up in someway during college... and at least that I got those types of life experiences out of the way, but I know that it's only going to get harder from this point on.  Getting accustomed to the ways to work everyday with the same people and probably working on things that I don't like with people I don't like, but at the end... everybody's has to go through the same and try to reach the top right?  It's not like I can really complain anyway... I don't even have a job at this moment and I'm still scratching my way up to at least find a good one.

I guess as 2013 is wrapping up it's end... I'm just thinking about how much has changed throughout this year. Honestly, I think I've made some pretty bad choices and some pretty good choices as well throughout this year.

• It sucks that it's taken a 3 years, but I feel like school and studying is finally on track to what it should be, and that I'm taking every moment more seriously now... (except when I'm on breaks... that's when I'm literally living a sloth life).
• I've made some good friends, and lost some good friends, but life is always a revolving door.  You just have to accept that people will come and go, and that experiences shared by you and the people that came into your life will be the ones that make the ultimate impact on your life, and you can't linger and hope for the friendship to come back.  Either you work for it, or you just have to accept that you moved on your separate ways and hopefully one day, you'll be able to reunite once more
• I've experienced the first death in the family and it was a real impact.  I wrote about it a lot, so I really don't have to write anymore on it.
• I've come to love my family and everyone in it.  I guess this came hand-in-hand with the prior one, but I've really come to love my family.  All my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  I'm really lucky that they're all nearby and that we're always able to share the holidays together.
• I've cut down on gaming... but I've come to watch more TV shows.  Definitely a good choice to cut back on gaming, but a bad one to fill the time that I spent on gaming to watch TV.  I'll be trying to fill that void of time by reading next year instead.

It's weird to think that I'm going to be assimilated into the "real" world soon and that my school days are coming to a close.  I mean college is where the domino effects of my actions are supposed to start, but I don't think I fully recognized that yet.  In some ways I did grow up and recognize some of my faults, but that's only the first step.  It's not like I started acting upon them to fix myself and become a better person, but just like how I do most of my actions in life... I acknowledge the problem and then just try to get by without fixing them or facing them head on.

That's definitely one thing I need to continually work on throughout the next years of my life before that side of me makes a critical mistake that I can't fix just by "getting by".  2013 was a good year and I can only hope that when I get into a new chapter of my life, 2014 can treat me the same.

Thankful.

The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.

While I think about this post and the holiday that just passed, I guess all I can think about is how thankful I should be for everything around me.  To be around loving family, not just my dad, mom, and brothers, but also my grandparents, my uncles and aunts, as well as all of my cousins.  I'm privileged to come from a family that lives very close to each other and is able to see each other on many different occasions, which is why a family gathering doesn't seem so foreign and special to me.  That fact alone makes it seem like I'm taking it for granted, but as I grow up, I'll truly see how special these times are to me.  It's not going to be like this forever... so I have to just soak it all in now while I still can.

While I was spending the Thanksgiving morning with my grandmother I saw how happy she was to see my family.  It really must be weird being alone now and to be honest, it still makes me cry when I see how happy she gets and how sad she is when we leave.  As my brother and I walked her back into her apartment and were saying our goodbyes, she was tearing up, and my brother and I had to leave quickly before we started crying in front of her as well.  We were supposed to visit grandpa today, but the mausoleum was closed, but I promise grandpa, I'll come visit you when I'm back for winter break.

I know I talked about grandpa a bit in my other post but I don't think I ever really talked about it or wrote about it when he passed away.  In my family he was the first immediate family that I knew that passed away.  Seeing my entire family in that moment was one of the hardest things I've experienced because of all the emotions that I felt during that time.  To be honest I really didn't know my grandpa a lot since he was in Korea for the early parts of my childhood, but he was the one who took care of my older cousin when he was a kid.  I felt that I really missed a chance to get to know him a bit before he was gone, which always sucks now that I think back to it.  An opportunity like that will never appear again, but I want to say that he was at least always happy to visit our family when he came over to visit.  I still remember his smile and the way he wears a hat and would talk, and just those memories are a good enough reason and motivation for me to push on and carry through.

But back to grandma... as I think about her now I can only get upset at myself.  This was the grandma that raised me since I was a kid and since I've become so busy, I can't find certain times to visit, even though I wish I can.  I really hope that she stays healthy enough so that she can at least see me graduate... and hopefully even see me get married.  But to be honest, I'm not sure when the latter would happen.  She just turned 84 years old this past month and I know for a fact that her health isn't at the best.  I just can't imagine what would happen when I would have to think about my grandma passing away as well.  I'm thankful that she's still here and that she's still able to find happiness in everything.  I continue to hope that she finds happiness and that she doesn't get lonely, and I hope to God that she will continue to stay healthy as well.

My mom and my dad are people that should be receiving my thanks daily because of all the hard work that they put into my life and trying to make my life easier.  It's been hard financially because of my brother and me going to school at the same time, but my parents try to reassure us that nothing is going wrong and that everything is fine.  I know that it's a tough financial burden, especially since my brother and I are going to fairly expensive private schools...  All I can say to them is thank you.  I get angry at myself because I know my grades aren't where they are supposed to be, and that I slacked off.  My parents worked so hard to send me to this school and so far, without a job, I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to pay them back.  I want them to continue to stay healthy, and try to live a comfortable life.  My dad works his ass off at his workplace everyday and I know business isn't doing the best right now.  I'm happy that my mom finally is able to find a place where she isn't hating her life everyday by going into work and that she actually seems to enjoy her workplace environment.  But seriously, I can't say thank you enough to my parents, and will have to show them through actions that they mean the world to me.

I'm thankful for my younger brothers.  Josh to me is a shining light and is one of the smartest and kindest kids I know.  Yeah, he can be weird at times, but he's still my brother and I love him for that.  I need to do well and set a great example because he looks up to me.  It's weird to think that my 19 year old brother still looks up to me, but that just puts more emphasis in what a good type of life that I have to lead.  I was worried about him when he left for college, but as I talked to him over break, it seemed like he has found some good people there, and hopefully he will continue to grow with those people as well.

My brother Philip on the other hand... well he's still my baby brother.  Even though he's turning 16 years old, I still can't see him as anything else but a baby brother.  It's strange that he's getting taller than me, caring more and more about his looks and clothes, and overall becoming a very lazy and apathetic person like me... but I know he's smart enough to do better than me as well.  He's a smart kid that doesn't let his stupid friends bog him down... but he's lazy and plays video games probably as much as I did when I was a kid to let it affect his school work.  I know he's ready to do something more, and hopefully he'll be ready to start working his ass off to get into a good college as well.

I'm thankful for my friends.  They're the ones who've shaped who I am in a major way and I think I'm a decent person... so I guess that's a good thing.  It's insane though to think how many friends I've lost along the way or just lost contact with.  Thinking back... the group I hung out with in freshman year is completely different from who I'm with now.  I guess it doesn't help that almost none of them drink anymore either... All in all, I'm happy with the people I'm with and I really do believe everything happened for a reason.  I was able to find Ankang and Pang through Richard, and even though him and I aren't friends anymore... he's still left a big impact on my life.  It sucks that he's changed so much during junior year, but as long as he's happy, I guess it doesn't really matter.  I guess that he's gone though I've been hanging out and meeting other people.  It's been a good year so far talking to everyone and seeing other faces.  To be honest, I don't know why people would want to be friends with me, but I'm thankful that these people were placed in my life and that they have the patience to put up with me.  I guess all of the stupid talks, hanging out, bumming, and all that stuff made an impact somehow in who am I am today so I'm thankful for all of those.

I'm thankful for my life.  I'm thankful for every time I can take a breathe and continue to wake up in the morning.  To me, that just means it's another day that I can continue to laugh and cherish the people and the environment around me.  It's crazy to think that life can be taken away that quickly, whether by your hand, by someone else, or by natural causes.  Life really is precious.

I really am thankful for so many things and probably am missing a lot of things on this short list.  I really don't want to show it out in the open, but maybe I should really start trying to because everyone has been such awesome people to me... and I definitely don't show it enough about how I appreciate everyone.

I Cringe When I Think Back To It, But Why Can't I Move Forward.

It's been insane to think that my college years are ending soon and how much things have changed since freshman year.  I don't think I notice sometimes how I've grown and how other people have grown around me and take that for granted a lot.  I know I cringe every time I think of the kid that I used to be in high school, but man I cringe even more just to think how I carried myself in college.

To think that I used to be so cocky and would think that I needed to fit in.  I guess things didn't change from high school into college at all.  After I got comfortable though, I just had to "be myself"... something I didn't really know to be honest.  Not trying to sound philosophical or that own shit, but I did have the sense that I lost my own identity after awhile because of the situations around me, but I knew certain things, at least somewhat consciously.

It's not that I'm mad or upset about the path that I chose to walk in college.  I think it is all important.  I really think everything happened for a reason and that I wouldn't be the same person that I am now.  I think my dad really nailed it in the head to me after one conversation where he said he's not angry at my grades and what I've done in college.  He told me that whatever I needed to do at the certain time, whether it was studying, sleeping, bumming, drinking, going out, etc. it was important at the time and necessary for me to be the person I am now.  I know I've definitely bummed out and didn't study as much as I should during those times, and I'm pissed that I did slack off, but for now, everything is already done, and whatever happened has already happened.

I guess that's why my mind always wanders into the past... since I'm so annoyed at my outlook for the future because of past mistakes or decisions I've made.  I gotta keep looking forward, no matter how hard it is sometimes, because if I don't, then what's the point of living and having the capability to live life another day.

Tears.

My mind is racing right now to find out the current emotions I feel.  My motto is always “hoping for the best, but expecting the worst”, which leads me to believe I maintain a neutral outlook on life, even though I’m far from it.  I really can’t hope for the best, because I don’t know what the best is.  I’ve never really experienced it, therefore, how will I know what the best possible outcome is.  Most of my thoughts instead of thinking of what the best possible outcome will be, is instead clustered into how I have the need to criticize myself for every action.  It’s not that I’m not confident in my abilities, but I do not want to seem arrogant or cocky, which means I will downplay all of my achievements and compliments.  When it comes to friends, I know I don’t have a lot.  Some people would say that they wouldn’t be content with this, but to be honest, I can’t open myself up to people, which make me callous to those who want me in their lives as well.   I’ve grown to “fake” interest in people who aren’t well known to me at a certain time, but after awhile, I get tired, and people tend to give up on me.  I’m a bitter person with harsh words, and usually I bite my tongue so that I can save a lot of my relationships.  It’s either that they’re “lower” than me, or that I respect them to the fact that it makes it hard to maintain that type of relationship, since they’re “above” me.  It’s also funny that people think that I’m without emotion since I don’t express it well.  It’s crazy how many times I think of relationships just out of the blue and think of how much certain people have changed my lives.  I really want to express it to the people I deeply care about, but I’m just incapable of expressing these words unless it’s a time of complete duress, or anger.  I’m a narcissist in the fact that I believe my opinion is the only one correct, and in many situations, I have to have the last word of the conversation and will make any other type of comment null and void with something that I had to say or think of.  Sometimes I did wish to have a time to unload all of these emotions without appearing weak or helpless, but life doesn’t work in this fashion.

I guess it’s all just one huge complaint about how I’ve been living my life.  It’s a huge excuse that I give myself when I’m down in the dumps, or know that I should have achieved something but didn’t.  This is my cigarette.  This is what I have to use every time in my head to give myself a breather and let myself know that “everything is okay and that I will be happy.”  I knew that these thoughts would come back to haunt me and kill me, especially since I’ve been so “happy” while I was at college.  I knew that I couldn’t just go ahead and change who I was, and that the past mistakes I’ve made will eventually appear over and over again in my life unless I wanted to change something about it.  But just like the personality I wrote up in the top, I just kept it the same and let it “slide”.  Something that I’m so used to.  Just letting myself get by in life without trying to put in certain effort, or if I do, ensuring myself that I did my best, even though I clearly didn’t.

I don’t think I’ve come to the fact that my grandpa has passed away sometimes.  I think about my grandparents thinking that I can treasure them and hold them on forever.  That I take them for granted.  I never even got to see him on his birthday since I was at school.  I had missed the chance to tell him happy birthday since I was just busy drinking on a weekend.  That I didn’t go visit my grandma or my grandpa during any of the breaks because it was too much of a hassle.  I wasn’t able to cherish any of the time that I was given because I was “too good” or just “too busy”.  I feel like shit knowing that I treated visiting them as a chore, rather than something out of love.  Even when I think about visiting now, and how when I go to my grandma’s apartment, that I will be seeing both of them and just them showering me with love.  However, it’s not like that anymore at all.  My grandma has loved me for so long and I know that I am her favorite grandchild.  She would sacrifice anything for me just to see me smile.  And now I’m the one that has to return that to her.  I think back to the day of my grandfather’s wake, and saw how strong my grandmother was during that time.  How she was holding back her tears until it was the last time that we would ever be able to see him.  How she wasn’t thinking of herself during that time, but she was thinking of all her grandkids in saying that none of us were able to get the chance to say good-bye to him and how “selfish” he was for leaving us in that fashion.  My grandmother is such a strong person.  And as I see her now, so frail and weak… as selfish as it sounds… can’t bear to imagine the day she will leave us as well.

It’s not only my dad’s side, but it is also my mom’s side as well.  As the first child of my mother’s side, not was I only heavily babied, and pampered, but also hold certain responsibilities and obligations that I must fulfill.  I can’t even imagine how devastated I would be if I lost one of them before I can show them the type of person that I can be and how much trust and love that they’ve shown me, was all for nothing.  Even when they e-mail me now, I try to respond as soon as possible, and constantly tell them that I love them.  Especially with my grandmother’s deteriorating health that she was plagued with in the past, and that my parents even tried to hide from me since I was at college… I just want to make them proud.  I want to make all of my family proud.  My grandfather in heaven, my grandmother, my grandfather and grandmother on my mom’s side, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my parents, my brothers.  I want them to not give up on me and the expectations they have on me.  Even though it’s difficult, I want to pursue.  Even though I never asked for this, I want myself to be the best.  Because if I’m not… then who is the one that has to clean up after me?  There’s nobody.  It’s all on me.  I don’t have the option to fail now and if I fail, I’ll have to live with all of this guilt for the rest of my life.

I hate that I never let go.  Even as a Christian, I know you’re supposed to forgive.  I know you’re supposed to let go and let God.  I can’t do it.  I can’t let go of my feelings.   I can’t let go of what people have done to me.  I can’t let go of what I’ve done to other people.  I can’t let go.

All Thoughts. No Filter.

It’s been bothering me that I haven’t written anything in awhile… I guess I’ve been lazy and such… but I guess I have to change that since there are things that have been bothering me and keeping it all in isn’t smart.  I already know what would happen if I explode… since I’ve already done it this past week to a random stranger while I was on vacation in Universal Studios… Poor person… I mean she was annoying because she was pushing and trying to shove me off the line… but I haven’t flipped out like that unless I’m really in the mood to fight with someone, which of course usually occurs when I’m intoxicated… so bursting out like this wasn’t normal for me while I was sober.

Anywho, I still can’t believe how fast time is going by.  It’s amazing to me that I’m now a college junior… it only still feels like I was a middle schooler/high schooler… but the real world is coming at me quick and time isn’t looking back.  Stepping into my old middle school and seeing my teachers when I went to my youngest brother’s middle school graduation… definitely felt weird.  Seeing the expressions on my teachers and them telling me how old I was getting and how they were proud to see me going to an internship and attending Villanova really seemed strange since I never thought about college or what I’d be doing when I was 20 while I was still in middle school.  To me those thoughts didn’t occur to me at all… and how naive and happy I was then.

Work… work is interesting.  They’re making me do a lot more than what I did last year… it actually feels like I’m an actual employee since I actually get to view, analyze, and upload all of the market data.  It’s a lot more work, but it is much more interesting compared to the spread sheets that I had to analyze and create last year.  I guess that’s a perk of being a returning intern… since I know the system and they know me and my working habits… they’ll assign me legit work to do.  It’s fun… yet a little scary since I know the work that I actually do… will affect the company and multiple other companies and trades in the business world so if I fuck up… I’m in royal shit.  It’s difficult though because I’m not used to waking up this early to commute and work late and arrive home late… but I guess this is what real life is going to be so I better get used to it.  Scary… to think in about 3-4 years I’ll be living on my own in my own apartment without the comfort of home and parents.  Yeah it’ll be a blessing, but everything just seems easier when I’m at home… even though when my parents nag it gets on my nerves… they’re still looking out for me, so it’s not like it’s a huge problem.

School… I really have to do well in the next two years.  This is legit the crunch time that my dad has talked about to me over the past years.  I’ve goofed off too much my freshman and sophomore year… and it really shows in my grades.  I’ve really come complacent also with just getting a B, B-… I guess it’s because I’ve always had a tendency to let everything just “slide by” so I could just take the easy way out.  Seriously, I can’t let that happen… because my GPA is definitely suffering… and with this job market out there… I really can’t fuck up or else I will truly be fucked up.  I already know a decent amount of people having difficulty because of the situations that they might be in, so I can’t take my situation for granted… so let’s push on and truly do my best.

Music… what can I say about music.  I love all different types of music it’s actually really strange.  I can appreciate classical music and all of the different variations of skills it takes to play.  It’s amazing what a skilled person can do with such simple things… It’s actually fascinating.  Listening to house/electronic music, Korean music, different variations of rock, classical, pop… it’s interesting how there are certain forms and structures that they all follow because it just “sounds good” and it’s how the world perceives it as “good music”.  It all stems down from something, which is amazing to hear when you can find it.

Friends… I miss my Villanova friends… I miss some of my school friends… and I miss a lot of my church friends.  I’ve drifted away a lot from my school and church friends, but it can’t be helped.  My school friends and I have differed once we entered high school in the first place… and it definitely shows because of where they are now and where I am now… no offense to any of them, but some have dropped out of school, some have failed some courses… but it’s not like I’m saying I expected them to do this, but I definitely could have seen it coming and it’s bad that it’s not surprising to me in any way.  Church friends… well distance always keeps us apart, and the summer isn’t quite long enough to catch up and see all the changes we’ve made in our livestyles because of college.  It’s not a bad thing, but we are all growing in different ways and adjusting our lives to our lives back at our “home” in our schools so it’s not a bad thing at all.  It’s just sad that what we had for 4-6 years is somewhat gone and is just a distant memory now.  But what can you do… that’s life.  School friends… honestly I never thought I’d miss some of you, but I really got a decent crew back at Villanova.  It’s weird because when I go to church they think of Andy, DH, Chris Doh, and D-Chung… but that’s not the crew that I originally think of when I think of my “crew” back at Nova.  It’s Rich, D-Pang, AnKang that springs into my head.  Those motherfuckers… we’ve been drinking together for too long… and I guess I miss our weird, strange, conversations while we’re drinking, and how sad/funny our drinking experiences could be at some times.  Can’t wait to see you in two months.

Another topic I guess that came into my mind since I’ve drifted to the Nova crew… is girls.  How many times we’ve talked about this… and it’s sad.  Nova is a desert and all we can find are the scorpions or abysses that appear out of nowhere.  It’s frustrating because I definitely should be looking for the future… and I shouldn’t really be rushing into anything, but damn how bad can our school get sometimes.  Maybe my standards are too high at times, but I dunno… I still haven’t found that person at my school yet.  And there’s always something lingering because my thoughts always lead me back to someone at times anyway.  That’s always not a good thing because at times I just lay awake at night… thinking sometimes that I should have the courage to just say it because at times it was obvious… blatantly obvious, but I’m always such a coward because of the fear and repercussions that it potentially has.  Especially because of a certain memory in the past, I’m definitely not ready for a situation like that to occur especially with such a close friend, but seriously, if those thoughts never leave, then what am I supposed to do?  It’s not like I could move on completely until someone else can captivate me like that right?  I guess it’s going to always be a problem until I have full closure so I have to figure out an answer quick.

Mundane.  I’ve always feared this… that everything has become stale and mundane.  For some reason it’s not like this in college… even though we do the same routine, have almost the same conversations every time we drink together, or play the same games and all of that bullshit.  However, when I enter home… everything just becomes mundane.  The people, the events, the things that I do… especially with a work routine that consists of waking up, eating, commuting, working, commuting, working out, and sleeping… which is pretty boring and without any spark it gets harder to wake up the next day… knowing that everyday is going to be the SAME exact day as yesterday.  It’s no wonder why some people go crazy and do some fucked up shit in the world… I wouldn’t be surprised.  I always knew that the most normal and mundane people could do the most fucked up shit anyway.

Honestly, I have no idea where I’m going in this post.  It’s a bunch of sporadic thoughts that have been within in my head ever since I’ve been in school and come back from school so obviously they’re a little important if they’ve been plaguing my mind like so… or maybe it’s just that I’ve become so brain dead that these are the only “original” thoughts I could have left.  For now, who knows, who cares… I have to sleep to wake up for work tomorrow.