Let’s see. Well my mind. It still always wants the easy way out. How it doesn’t want to know that things have been this way and doesn’t want to accept it. Maybe that’s why I’m so eager to pick up that cigarette, that bottle of alcohol, or that dubb of weed, and my best friend… my iPod to leave this world and sink into a world of my own.
I dunno, I’ve always used that as my sort of escape from everything in general. A loss? Let’s drink to it. A heart break? Let’s go smoke a cig. An internal struggle? Let’s listen to some music. Stressed? Let’s go smoke a blunt. It seems really kiddish that I’ve been doing that since I was a kid. Always playing video games to comfort me or trying to listen to music back then. I think that’s why I’ve always been a gamer… since I’ve found it as an escape from this world and into something completely fantasy-like. Even with books… I’ve never been a big reader, but it’s those sci-fi and really fantasy-like fiction books like The Lord of the Rings and books about dragons and weird mystical words that always have intrigued me. Comic books… another way that I’ve always found myself sinking into a different world where I can’t help to wish I had a super power of my own and that somehow even when shit is going wrong… the superhero always triumphs and get’s what he wanted in the start somehow.
Eunice Han brought up an interesting point. Man up. Maybe I should have done that awhile back. Well fuck it, time slips like sand in an hourglass and you won’t get it back so who fucking cares about it right now.
See, it’s so easy for me to say/do that. I dunno. It really is a big problem for me since… It’s so hypocritical of who I want to be. Haha, that clean kid that I used to be like 5 years ago. I miss it. Now everyone sees me as a pot head? Now when the fuck did that happen. I mean yeah, I smoke, but not as crazy as some people think I do. I mean yeah, I hang around with my friends who do that a shit ton more than me. I’m not Solo Dolo almost at all. Maybe I’ve done it like 5-8 times max… and that’s not bad at all. So I have no idea where that name comes from. I guess it’s because I try to prove something that I’m not.
I guess that brings me to my other point. Trying to make my life seem so larger than life. Trying to impress others cause I’ve been so insecure in my past about the life I’ve lead since I’ve been such a boring person. I mean it really didn’t occur to me until I stopped and really looked at my college resume and thought back over the last four years of high school. I mean frosh year is when I started smoking like crazy. I guess it started like that cause I’ve had so much past grudges and bull shit issues about myself that I didn’t want to think of. Then sophomore year came around and that’s definitely when I changed the most. But as that one relationship I had slipped and turned into something else… I saw myself change and revert back to my old self. I guess I relied on her to be the sole purpose of being a good person because I really liked her and didn’t want to see her get upset at all.
Around the end of junior year… I guess that’s when my party frenzy scene started to happen. I mean… partying was fun and all and that’s when I really started to get into it… until about the end of football season. From then on out… I’ve been so out of the loop. I’ve really given up on that scene thinking back to it now. The last party I went to was in fucking April. Yeah… the first day of Spring Break. Oh and Eunice Han’s… whenever the fuck that was. But besides that… there hasn’t been any alcohol in my system. Yeah I’ve smoked weed here and there, but nothing big… just with like 1 or 2 kids.
So what have I been doing lately. To be honest I have no fucking clue myself. Just obsessing over shit I can’t have and barking up the wrong tree (which I can’t believe Eunice has never heard before). I’ve looked back and I’ve been fucking ridiculous to myself. Making my life revolve around a sole center that could escape and leave anytime… and that I should have left but no, I’ve been a stubborn little baby about this and it fucking comes around and bites me back in my head 100 times harder than it should have.
My heart? Fuck it I’ve stopped listening to what it should have done. I’ve been thinking solely on desires. It’s become so callous since I’ve been living like this… just living day-by-day looking for an excuse to just slide on with life. Fuck it. I’ve become pathetic and the outcome of the situation just shows it more in my opinion. How have I been living with myself in my opinion is the question I should ask. Or how did other people even stand looking at me is another good question. If I saw myself like this I would have just given up on myself. Pathetic little creature.
Also. What the fuck has been wrong with my sleeping pattern. I know I’ve neglected my sleeping pattern since sophomore year cause of AP Bio… but with the summer here I should have a regular one. I mean fuck it’s only gonna get worse from here. Waking up in the middle of the nights for no reason whatsoever and even having sleepless nights where I can’t even fall asleep at all. It just pisses me off more and more because I really want a night where I could just ass out and have a good sleep. With work just piling up my hours of me being tired… it’s not really helping… even though I thought it would. I thought since I’m working 9-5 with about an hour and 30 minute commute everyday… I should have a decently normal sleeping pattern, but no… it’s only been worse. I’ve been sleeping around 2-4 o’ clock and waking up at 2-3 times every night. It wasn’t as bad as this when I had school… so why is it so bad now. I dunno, but it’s just another list of things that’s pissing me off these days.
I have no idea where I’m going with this entry. I’m just pissed at myself for being such a stupid idiot. I knew it was coming but I wanted to be blinded. I wanted to be blind and ignore it. I don’t know why… but I knew I was digging myself in a bigger hole everyday… making it harder to climb out… but yet I still trudged through and dug myself in it anyway. Especially with some of the shit I said or I guess some of the things I pressed on… I just dug myself deeper and deeper. Fuck that. I’ve been retarded. Retarded and as I said before… acting out on desires instead of with my mind and heart. Yeah, pretty much acting like a fucking gorilla. Something with an impulse with no indication of thoughts being put into it.
"If a person does not know right from wrong, they are an animal. If a person does not feel embarrassment, they are not human" Yeah I remember that mom and dad, but guess what. In four years I haven’t changed. Throughout high school it feels like I’ve pushed away my morals and strayed away from what my parents knew me as. I’ve become an animal. And this situation to me proves that I’m not a human since I don’t know when I should stop and feel embarrassed about myself. How pathetic.
Great. I’m going to become even worse over the next four years in my honest opinion. The world of business is going to be a grueling one. Even working at my intern job, I see what some of the people do for high cash. Money is going to eat me alive and going to be making me put that as my priority instead of everything else. This means that yeah, I’ll become more of an animal for money. I know it for a fact. But that is something I want to pursue my life in. Is this paralleling the situation I had now? Fuck yeah it does, but I guess I won’t learn my lesson until I put myself in the shoes of a business man first.
College. It’s going to be fun. Even though in the paragraph above I said the next four years I’m going to become worse… I still can’t wait. It’s gonna be fucking fun as hell. I’m still not gonna be in the party scene, but fuck, I can’t wait for my connections to just grow more and more in college. I mean that’s what I really want to do. I want to know more fucking people and just expand my network for my future. Even though I’m rooming with kids that I know, I’m going to branch out from that and get some new people into my little “Wolf Pack.” It’s going to be an interesting four years… since everyone says college is something that made them into the person that they are now (Or at least that’s what all the workers at Intrasphere told me).
Well that was a bunch of bull shit. I’m gonna end it here cause to be honest. By the end of this thing I don’t know what the fuck I wrote, but I feel better somehow. I knew I was gonna type something, but nothing this long. Whatever. It’s 2:44. It’s going to be another one of those sleepless nights again.
