It’s 5:25 in the morning… and I’m in a writing mood so let’s crank out Tumblr and see what I’ll write.
So I seriously think I somewhat have a problem… a problem inside of my head and my heart. No not physically… so don’t worry, but mentally and emotionally. I definitely have something wrong in that department. I mean, let’s think about this. How SAD is it that it’s only at Nova I’m on the “driest” streak yet in liking a girl. Haha, that’s fucking sad as hell. It’s sad to admit but I think 3-4 months of not liking a girl is like the longest I’ve ever fucking had. Somehow it always feels like I need the sense of liking someone. I guess I’m a sucker for that feeling. The feeling that someone is your entire world and that if anything happened you would be there to just try everything and anything to rebuild that world if it started crumbling. To be honest, I have no idea why I like that feeling so much… especially if I don’t like people that much. I’m mad judgmental, but when it comes to girls my guard goes down so much… but only for the ones that I like. The rest of them are still the same to me. I could say whatever the FUCK I want, but if I have/had somewhat of a leaning for you, you’ll still be in my heart as somewhat special.
Guess that makes sense… somewhat, cause I see that shit play out every day. I’ll keep an eye out for you since you’ve somehow made a dent in my heart some weird way.
Then there’s times where I take this shit out of proportion. And I’ve been so dumb for it twice; twice I’ve been blind-sided by my foolishness and stupidity, and it winds up hurting me a shit ton. I mean, the first time was REALLY bad because it was my first time into that type of situation. But you know, I got over it through time and now I can say we’re one of the best of friends. It was awkward at first, but you know what, that’s expected isn’t it?
But this second time… this summer… it’s been so annoying… and aggravating. To be honest, I don’t know why it affected me so much or why it fucked with my head for the longest time. I even told a couple of my friends that it was nothing to me. That this fling was just legit nothing, but somehow it slowly crept into my head and tore me inside out. Yeah, it’s my fault for everything. Somehow it only affected me and didn’t affect her, and that’s probably why I was so pissed about it. That somehow, just one day it didn’t work out for her and that she was over with it in a snap… but there’s me somehow trying to pull strings to make it work… but oh wait, she’s stubborn as fuck. Almost as stubborn as I am.
So then I started to think about what made me the person that broke it apart… and I guess that’s when I started to become the person who I am now… mad spiteful, and just don’t care anymore. Probably that’s why I started to recognize and realize, being a nice kid isn’t fun. You wind up getting hurt so much more, and you know what, you’re a fucking pussy. You can’t even stand up for yourself or what you stand for sometimes. I was sincerely thinking about it, and you know what, getting trampled on and stepped on is fucking over. Yeah I’ll still be nice because that’s what I am, but when push comes to shove, I’ll fucking walk all over you. I’m not fucking dumb, and I could read people fairly well. All you DAFs, come at me. Rich and I will eat you for breakfast.
Now let’s talk about home. It’s such a nice feeling being back here… just relaxing and shit like that. It’s nice seeing your family and nice seeing your room back home. I mean, the first thing I did when I came back home was hug all my family members, eat Korean food, then pass out on my bed. But you know, as I continue staying here, I kinda do miss the feeling of being in school. As many of my older friends told me, you’re gonna love college because you’re surrounded with people exactly like you… and that’s real true. Especially since now everyone is gone back to college and basically only the Mainline schools have vacation, it’s been getting a little sulky. I mean today I stayed home for my brothers birthday, and I also didn’t have the car, so that required me to legit just stay home the ENTIRE day. It’s not that bad, but I miss the freedom of just going wherever and whenever I want… I mean did I hear that someone wants some LATE NIGHTTT? Haha. Nova kids are freaks.
It was nice seeing everyone back home again since college. I mean, we didn’t spend a lot of time together, but next time I want to see how everyone’s grown/changed in college. A lot of people say that when people come back from college friendships definitely grow weaker and start seeing them in a different light. I mean, I guess that’s true somehow, but with some of the Chodae kids… I don’t think I could ever see that. Yeah I guess I was a little cold this weekend and definitely gave some people the cold shoulder. Especially in the beginning. (I’m referring to the dinner.) But I guess as I sat down and just talked/heard conversations, I knew that these guys were really something. These freaks/losers that I’ve constantly hung out with always will be a part of me and will constantly affect me in some way. But yeah, even if we grow apart or if you and I change in some way, I think it’ll be more interesting. I mean, change is good, so let’s see it happen sometime.
