I know for a fact there's been a time in my life where I wanted to say something, but I'd let the fear of losing a friendship and keeping the status quo balance of my life control that. If anything, it just lead to more confusion than anything else. I try to convince myself how lucky I am to just have you as a friend and that losing you would be worse than having the chance and possibility that we get to grow this relationship into something more. So this time... is it the same?
Once again I find myself in a place where I'm thinking about this. How lucky I am to know someone like you in my life that can make me smile, change my values, and really contemplate and make me think of a future. How many times I wanted to change the things I did and challenge myself so that I can become a better person. I mean, it wasn't only for you, I know that I had to make the changes too, but you're the one that really jump started and was the catalyst that set it into motion.
So am I content with that and keeping the friendship alive, always just wondering about the what ifs and possibilities, or do I go ahead and tell her how I feel, all while having the risk of uprooting everything we have and essentially killing the flames.
The times I see you, my heart shakes, my stomach drops, my eyes shine and I can't help but smile. You make me feel different. You make me feel safe. The way that I want to be with you, the way that you made me challenge my priorities and bad habits, the way that I can joke around yet be completely serious with you... It's just different. My mind is telling me to not be stupid and that it's really nothing, but my heart loves every little thing you do, and wants to comfort you when you're angry, be with you when you're sad, and be the one that makes you smile.
It's selfish. I really know that it is... That these things just may be one sided and that of course, you're not obligated in any fashion to return these feelings at all, but I'm still wrestling to see if you really need to know these things or if I can just sit by and just watch you leave my sight and just repress these until they're gone. I've tried to do that while I was in college since I thought it was a given that nothing can ever happen between us, but coming back and having the chances to spend more time with you and be with you more hurts me like a double-edged sword. I love spending the time with you and I would find any excuse to spend time with you, but the more that happens it makes me long for you more...
I'm confused and don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm feeling, but I know it's different from the others. I don't know what to do, but I really do want to be with you.
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