I guess this fits since it’s almost the end of the year and the beginning of the new one. Not only that, but it’s also the end of the semester and the beginning of a new one… so hopefully I’ll have some good insight going into the next year.
I guess the transition from high school into college wasn’t a big one. For some reason it didn’t feel that big… and still doesn’t feel that big. I guess… I just don’t feel the big change that much, but it definitely should hit me harder. I mean 1/8 of my college years have already passed… and I definitely didn’t do as well as I should have. I mean I keep blaming it on the fact I had classes I didn’t want and shit like that, but I definitely should get my act together for the next semester and kick some fucking ass. 2 B-s, 1 B, and 2 B+s… definitely not the grades that I want… so let’s step it up.
Then there’s people. Yeah you learn a lot about people going into college. Who’s got your back, who doesn’t. Who you get closer to, and who you grow apart from. The interesting thing about people is that they’re unpredictable. It makes it all the more fun learning about them and seeing who they really are. The most unexpected people can become your closest friends, and the ones that you thought, could become something you’ve never thought.
The Nova Nation has brought me closer to interesting people. Definitely the crowd I thought I’d be in, but definitely want to expand upon that next year. I got my core friends down… so now time to expand out and maybe chill with some other people. I got my pothead/druggie/smoker friends & my Asian bros… which are who all I really chill with, but let’s see if we could expand this circle.
Church is a biggie for college. Gotta shape up and do my part. So lazy though… but that shouldn’t be a factor. Gotta stop being lukewarm and start being back to the person I’ve been… or at least close to that. It’s true, it’s harder for the leaders to get back especially because of the “drop” that you feel, but I gotta suck it up and just accept it.
Also with a look back, we look back at bad habits and good habits that I’ve had. Mostly the bad ones… cause I feel like that’s all I’ve had. Gotta stop with the impulsive buying, but I think I’m done with that now… and gotta fix my sleeping schedule. My sleeping schedule has become so bad that I’ve been waking up at 2 or 3 every morning… while sleeping at 11 or 12. Then staying up until about 3 in the afternoon and passing out till 6… then repeating that cycle all over again. Probably will get worse when I get back into college, but we’ll see. Gotta start hitting the gym again once I go back cause I’m real out of shape. I started running and doing the usual routine at home so hopefully I could keep that up again.
Also I’m fixing another bad habit. 2 weeks strong and I got asked to smoke today, but I declined. I still have been toking up though… but mostly to try and go to sleep.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thoughts On The Train.
As I go back home… All I’m doing is thinking. I love going home because everything is calmer… And I do miss my family. Of course, I never show it, but my appreciation for my parents, the love for my parents and my brothers, and just seeing everyone… It makes me really happy. It’s weird being the first one to graduate and go to college on my mom’s side. I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on my shoulders to be the best example not only to my brothers, but also to all my younger cousins… Especially the oldest ones, my brother and my two cousins… who are now all in high school. Thanksgiving is going to be real fun. I haven’t seen any of them… And I know I’m going to be asked a lot of questions by my family about how college is and how I’ve been doing. To be honest though, I have no idea how I’m going to answer this. Time management for me is terrible… And therefore all my work just piles up on me. But it’s not that hard yet, but I know it’ll only get harder from here. It’s going to be an interesting journey. Not only that, but the environment at school changed radically also. Because of prior events… Things have changed. I mean it’s not bad, I could care less, but I know this next semester is going to be an interesting one. Once Tyler gets better, it’s going to be an interesting journey. The crew only started, and now we know… Who’s in and who’s out. It’s gonna be fun drinking with these guys again. I only hope next semester gets better… And hopefully I’ll miss almost no classes. I’m not a morning person at all and could barely wake up… So I hope the change to afternoon classes will be a good one. I could only hope I change my pattern… But for now I’ll just make due of what I am now. Anyway. I’m Jersey bound. While I’m there… Nothing but myself stands in the way. Let’s be happy.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I Am A Fuck Up.
It’s way too early in the morning… 417 to be exact. I’ve fucked around and fucked up too many times in my life.
In high school I’ve always tried to slide by and just pass everything. I’ve always thought my mindset would change once I got to college… But how can you change a habit you’re so used to. Even with smoking. I mean, yeah I cut down, but I still need it when I get mad depressed or start thinking a shit ton about life and crap. It’s bad… Yeah I recognize it, but still… There’s no change. But yeah, I cut down… And I still plan to quit sometime soon.
As Rich and I talked about… There’s no room for fucking up in college. We’ve wasted so much time… I mean 1/8 of our college life is almost over… Like holy shit. That doesn’t really click in my head that well… But it’s still the reality. I really need that swift kick in the ass telling me… Time isn’t slowing down for you so make the best of it. Even talking with Min on Saturday (Sunday morning) after I came back from drinking… I’ve recognized so much of my time here at Nova has been fun and games… Not even, just fucking around and constantly doing stupid shit. It hasn’t really clicked in my head, but damn… I’m wasting so much money and time by doing this shit. It’s actually insane.
As Rich and I just had a heart-to-heart we’ve been able to realize how much family, education, time, money, and all those cliche things are important, but what good are those realizations if we never do anything about them. Actions always speak louder than words… So until those actions come and manifest themselves… I think it’s worse that we have those realizations and never do anything about them. It’s like we’ve recognized it, but become selfish in some sort of way to just let it pass by in the back of our heads like it’s no big deal… But guess what, those thoughts will constantly manifest themselves again and again and again… Until we feel content with ourselves in our hearts and minds saying that we did a good job.
Trust very few friends, always trust family, and fuck the rest. To be completely honest, I don’t think I could trust many people. I was always fake to them showing a complete facade to make sure they wouldn’t question anything… But man nobody ever came about in peeling that mask off. Sometimes I even question myself… When is the mask ever off? I guess it’s off when I find the right people… Very few times… I’ve been sincerely happy. I mean chilling with all you mother fuckers is nice and everything… But never really had true satisfaction during many of those times. I guess this talk just made me really happy because we both put our guards down and really let each other talk… About life, family, our past, our future… And girls.. Haha.
Man, I feel like I’m so fucked here for the girls. And I don’t even have anyone back home that would even like me. College is the time to find that right someone… And so far, every step of the way is still haunting me. Past ghosts constantly pop up into my head… And damn, those are stronger than anything I could imagine. How much I’ve hurt others… And how much others have hurt me… That burden haunts me as I go to sleep, wake up, and even live. I never really gave it a thought since I always thought the pieces of the puzzle would fit in when the time is right, but sometimes… My cynical mindset always questions everything. I really shouldn’t worry too much… And definitely should be going to sleep soon… But I feel that tonight (morning) will be a restless night… Just my mind thinking… Thinking… Thinking. Time check: 503… Damn. And all this time I’ve been writing on my Blackberry… I guess I’m not a lone wolf, but I sure as hell do feel like one.
In high school I’ve always tried to slide by and just pass everything. I’ve always thought my mindset would change once I got to college… But how can you change a habit you’re so used to. Even with smoking. I mean, yeah I cut down, but I still need it when I get mad depressed or start thinking a shit ton about life and crap. It’s bad… Yeah I recognize it, but still… There’s no change. But yeah, I cut down… And I still plan to quit sometime soon.
As Rich and I talked about… There’s no room for fucking up in college. We’ve wasted so much time… I mean 1/8 of our college life is almost over… Like holy shit. That doesn’t really click in my head that well… But it’s still the reality. I really need that swift kick in the ass telling me… Time isn’t slowing down for you so make the best of it. Even talking with Min on Saturday (Sunday morning) after I came back from drinking… I’ve recognized so much of my time here at Nova has been fun and games… Not even, just fucking around and constantly doing stupid shit. It hasn’t really clicked in my head, but damn… I’m wasting so much money and time by doing this shit. It’s actually insane.
As Rich and I just had a heart-to-heart we’ve been able to realize how much family, education, time, money, and all those cliche things are important, but what good are those realizations if we never do anything about them. Actions always speak louder than words… So until those actions come and manifest themselves… I think it’s worse that we have those realizations and never do anything about them. It’s like we’ve recognized it, but become selfish in some sort of way to just let it pass by in the back of our heads like it’s no big deal… But guess what, those thoughts will constantly manifest themselves again and again and again… Until we feel content with ourselves in our hearts and minds saying that we did a good job.
Trust very few friends, always trust family, and fuck the rest. To be completely honest, I don’t think I could trust many people. I was always fake to them showing a complete facade to make sure they wouldn’t question anything… But man nobody ever came about in peeling that mask off. Sometimes I even question myself… When is the mask ever off? I guess it’s off when I find the right people… Very few times… I’ve been sincerely happy. I mean chilling with all you mother fuckers is nice and everything… But never really had true satisfaction during many of those times. I guess this talk just made me really happy because we both put our guards down and really let each other talk… About life, family, our past, our future… And girls.. Haha.
Man, I feel like I’m so fucked here for the girls. And I don’t even have anyone back home that would even like me. College is the time to find that right someone… And so far, every step of the way is still haunting me. Past ghosts constantly pop up into my head… And damn, those are stronger than anything I could imagine. How much I’ve hurt others… And how much others have hurt me… That burden haunts me as I go to sleep, wake up, and even live. I never really gave it a thought since I always thought the pieces of the puzzle would fit in when the time is right, but sometimes… My cynical mindset always questions everything. I really shouldn’t worry too much… And definitely should be going to sleep soon… But I feel that tonight (morning) will be a restless night… Just my mind thinking… Thinking… Thinking. Time check: 503… Damn. And all this time I’ve been writing on my Blackberry… I guess I’m not a lone wolf, but I sure as hell do feel like one.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
5:25
It’s 5:25 in the morning… and I’m in a writing mood so let’s crank out Tumblr and see what I’ll write.
So I seriously think I somewhat have a problem… a problem inside of my head and my heart. No not physically… so don’t worry, but mentally and emotionally. I definitely have something wrong in that department. I mean, let’s think about this. How SAD is it that it’s only at Nova I’m on the “driest” streak yet in liking a girl. Haha, that’s fucking sad as hell. It’s sad to admit but I think 3-4 months of not liking a girl is like the longest I’ve ever fucking had. Somehow it always feels like I need the sense of liking someone. I guess I’m a sucker for that feeling. The feeling that someone is your entire world and that if anything happened you would be there to just try everything and anything to rebuild that world if it started crumbling. To be honest, I have no idea why I like that feeling so much… especially if I don’t like people that much. I’m mad judgmental, but when it comes to girls my guard goes down so much… but only for the ones that I like. The rest of them are still the same to me. I could say whatever the FUCK I want, but if I have/had somewhat of a leaning for you, you’ll still be in my heart as somewhat special.
Guess that makes sense… somewhat, cause I see that shit play out every day. I’ll keep an eye out for you since you’ve somehow made a dent in my heart some weird way.
Then there’s times where I take this shit out of proportion. And I’ve been so dumb for it twice; twice I’ve been blind-sided by my foolishness and stupidity, and it winds up hurting me a shit ton. I mean, the first time was REALLY bad because it was my first time into that type of situation. But you know, I got over it through time and now I can say we’re one of the best of friends. It was awkward at first, but you know what, that’s expected isn’t it?
But this second time… this summer… it’s been so annoying… and aggravating. To be honest, I don’t know why it affected me so much or why it fucked with my head for the longest time. I even told a couple of my friends that it was nothing to me. That this fling was just legit nothing, but somehow it slowly crept into my head and tore me inside out. Yeah, it’s my fault for everything. Somehow it only affected me and didn’t affect her, and that’s probably why I was so pissed about it. That somehow, just one day it didn’t work out for her and that she was over with it in a snap… but there’s me somehow trying to pull strings to make it work… but oh wait, she’s stubborn as fuck. Almost as stubborn as I am.
So then I started to think about what made me the person that broke it apart… and I guess that’s when I started to become the person who I am now… mad spiteful, and just don’t care anymore. Probably that’s why I started to recognize and realize, being a nice kid isn’t fun. You wind up getting hurt so much more, and you know what, you’re a fucking pussy. You can’t even stand up for yourself or what you stand for sometimes. I was sincerely thinking about it, and you know what, getting trampled on and stepped on is fucking over. Yeah I’ll still be nice because that’s what I am, but when push comes to shove, I’ll fucking walk all over you. I’m not fucking dumb, and I could read people fairly well. All you DAFs, come at me. Rich and I will eat you for breakfast.
Now let’s talk about home. It’s such a nice feeling being back here… just relaxing and shit like that. It’s nice seeing your family and nice seeing your room back home. I mean, the first thing I did when I came back home was hug all my family members, eat Korean food, then pass out on my bed. But you know, as I continue staying here, I kinda do miss the feeling of being in school. As many of my older friends told me, you’re gonna love college because you’re surrounded with people exactly like you… and that’s real true. Especially since now everyone is gone back to college and basically only the Mainline schools have vacation, it’s been getting a little sulky. I mean today I stayed home for my brothers birthday, and I also didn’t have the car, so that required me to legit just stay home the ENTIRE day. It’s not that bad, but I miss the freedom of just going wherever and whenever I want… I mean did I hear that someone wants some LATE NIGHTTT? Haha. Nova kids are freaks.
It was nice seeing everyone back home again since college. I mean, we didn’t spend a lot of time together, but next time I want to see how everyone’s grown/changed in college. A lot of people say that when people come back from college friendships definitely grow weaker and start seeing them in a different light. I mean, I guess that’s true somehow, but with some of the Chodae kids… I don’t think I could ever see that. Yeah I guess I was a little cold this weekend and definitely gave some people the cold shoulder. Especially in the beginning. (I’m referring to the dinner.) But I guess as I sat down and just talked/heard conversations, I knew that these guys were really something. These freaks/losers that I’ve constantly hung out with always will be a part of me and will constantly affect me in some way. But yeah, even if we grow apart or if you and I change in some way, I think it’ll be more interesting. I mean, change is good, so let’s see it happen sometime.
So I seriously think I somewhat have a problem… a problem inside of my head and my heart. No not physically… so don’t worry, but mentally and emotionally. I definitely have something wrong in that department. I mean, let’s think about this. How SAD is it that it’s only at Nova I’m on the “driest” streak yet in liking a girl. Haha, that’s fucking sad as hell. It’s sad to admit but I think 3-4 months of not liking a girl is like the longest I’ve ever fucking had. Somehow it always feels like I need the sense of liking someone. I guess I’m a sucker for that feeling. The feeling that someone is your entire world and that if anything happened you would be there to just try everything and anything to rebuild that world if it started crumbling. To be honest, I have no idea why I like that feeling so much… especially if I don’t like people that much. I’m mad judgmental, but when it comes to girls my guard goes down so much… but only for the ones that I like. The rest of them are still the same to me. I could say whatever the FUCK I want, but if I have/had somewhat of a leaning for you, you’ll still be in my heart as somewhat special.
Guess that makes sense… somewhat, cause I see that shit play out every day. I’ll keep an eye out for you since you’ve somehow made a dent in my heart some weird way.
Then there’s times where I take this shit out of proportion. And I’ve been so dumb for it twice; twice I’ve been blind-sided by my foolishness and stupidity, and it winds up hurting me a shit ton. I mean, the first time was REALLY bad because it was my first time into that type of situation. But you know, I got over it through time and now I can say we’re one of the best of friends. It was awkward at first, but you know what, that’s expected isn’t it?
But this second time… this summer… it’s been so annoying… and aggravating. To be honest, I don’t know why it affected me so much or why it fucked with my head for the longest time. I even told a couple of my friends that it was nothing to me. That this fling was just legit nothing, but somehow it slowly crept into my head and tore me inside out. Yeah, it’s my fault for everything. Somehow it only affected me and didn’t affect her, and that’s probably why I was so pissed about it. That somehow, just one day it didn’t work out for her and that she was over with it in a snap… but there’s me somehow trying to pull strings to make it work… but oh wait, she’s stubborn as fuck. Almost as stubborn as I am.
So then I started to think about what made me the person that broke it apart… and I guess that’s when I started to become the person who I am now… mad spiteful, and just don’t care anymore. Probably that’s why I started to recognize and realize, being a nice kid isn’t fun. You wind up getting hurt so much more, and you know what, you’re a fucking pussy. You can’t even stand up for yourself or what you stand for sometimes. I was sincerely thinking about it, and you know what, getting trampled on and stepped on is fucking over. Yeah I’ll still be nice because that’s what I am, but when push comes to shove, I’ll fucking walk all over you. I’m not fucking dumb, and I could read people fairly well. All you DAFs, come at me. Rich and I will eat you for breakfast.
Now let’s talk about home. It’s such a nice feeling being back here… just relaxing and shit like that. It’s nice seeing your family and nice seeing your room back home. I mean, the first thing I did when I came back home was hug all my family members, eat Korean food, then pass out on my bed. But you know, as I continue staying here, I kinda do miss the feeling of being in school. As many of my older friends told me, you’re gonna love college because you’re surrounded with people exactly like you… and that’s real true. Especially since now everyone is gone back to college and basically only the Mainline schools have vacation, it’s been getting a little sulky. I mean today I stayed home for my brothers birthday, and I also didn’t have the car, so that required me to legit just stay home the ENTIRE day. It’s not that bad, but I miss the freedom of just going wherever and whenever I want… I mean did I hear that someone wants some LATE NIGHTTT? Haha. Nova kids are freaks.
It was nice seeing everyone back home again since college. I mean, we didn’t spend a lot of time together, but next time I want to see how everyone’s grown/changed in college. A lot of people say that when people come back from college friendships definitely grow weaker and start seeing them in a different light. I mean, I guess that’s true somehow, but with some of the Chodae kids… I don’t think I could ever see that. Yeah I guess I was a little cold this weekend and definitely gave some people the cold shoulder. Especially in the beginning. (I’m referring to the dinner.) But I guess as I sat down and just talked/heard conversations, I knew that these guys were really something. These freaks/losers that I’ve constantly hung out with always will be a part of me and will constantly affect me in some way. But yeah, even if we grow apart or if you and I change in some way, I think it’ll be more interesting. I mean, change is good, so let’s see it happen sometime.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The Easy Way Out.
Let’s see. Well my mind. It still always wants the easy way out. How it doesn’t want to know that things have been this way and doesn’t want to accept it. Maybe that’s why I’m so eager to pick up that cigarette, that bottle of alcohol, or that dubb of weed, and my best friend… my iPod to leave this world and sink into a world of my own.
I dunno, I’ve always used that as my sort of escape from everything in general. A loss? Let’s drink to it. A heart break? Let’s go smoke a cig. An internal struggle? Let’s listen to some music. Stressed? Let’s go smoke a blunt. It seems really kiddish that I’ve been doing that since I was a kid. Always playing video games to comfort me or trying to listen to music back then. I think that’s why I’ve always been a gamer… since I’ve found it as an escape from this world and into something completely fantasy-like. Even with books… I’ve never been a big reader, but it’s those sci-fi and really fantasy-like fiction books like The Lord of the Rings and books about dragons and weird mystical words that always have intrigued me. Comic books… another way that I’ve always found myself sinking into a different world where I can’t help to wish I had a super power of my own and that somehow even when shit is going wrong… the superhero always triumphs and get’s what he wanted in the start somehow.
Eunice Han brought up an interesting point. Man up. Maybe I should have done that awhile back. Well fuck it, time slips like sand in an hourglass and you won’t get it back so who fucking cares about it right now.
See, it’s so easy for me to say/do that. I dunno. It really is a big problem for me since… It’s so hypocritical of who I want to be. Haha, that clean kid that I used to be like 5 years ago. I miss it. Now everyone sees me as a pot head? Now when the fuck did that happen. I mean yeah, I smoke, but not as crazy as some people think I do. I mean yeah, I hang around with my friends who do that a shit ton more than me. I’m not Solo Dolo almost at all. Maybe I’ve done it like 5-8 times max… and that’s not bad at all. So I have no idea where that name comes from. I guess it’s because I try to prove something that I’m not.
I guess that brings me to my other point. Trying to make my life seem so larger than life. Trying to impress others cause I’ve been so insecure in my past about the life I’ve lead since I’ve been such a boring person. I mean it really didn’t occur to me until I stopped and really looked at my college resume and thought back over the last four years of high school. I mean frosh year is when I started smoking like crazy. I guess it started like that cause I’ve had so much past grudges and bull shit issues about myself that I didn’t want to think of. Then sophomore year came around and that’s definitely when I changed the most. But as that one relationship I had slipped and turned into something else… I saw myself change and revert back to my old self. I guess I relied on her to be the sole purpose of being a good person because I really liked her and didn’t want to see her get upset at all.
Around the end of junior year… I guess that’s when my party frenzy scene started to happen. I mean… partying was fun and all and that’s when I really started to get into it… until about the end of football season. From then on out… I’ve been so out of the loop. I’ve really given up on that scene thinking back to it now. The last party I went to was in fucking April. Yeah… the first day of Spring Break. Oh and Eunice Han’s… whenever the fuck that was. But besides that… there hasn’t been any alcohol in my system. Yeah I’ve smoked weed here and there, but nothing big… just with like 1 or 2 kids.
So what have I been doing lately. To be honest I have no fucking clue myself. Just obsessing over shit I can’t have and barking up the wrong tree (which I can’t believe Eunice has never heard before). I’ve looked back and I’ve been fucking ridiculous to myself. Making my life revolve around a sole center that could escape and leave anytime… and that I should have left but no, I’ve been a stubborn little baby about this and it fucking comes around and bites me back in my head 100 times harder than it should have.
My heart? Fuck it I’ve stopped listening to what it should have done. I’ve been thinking solely on desires. It’s become so callous since I’ve been living like this… just living day-by-day looking for an excuse to just slide on with life. Fuck it. I’ve become pathetic and the outcome of the situation just shows it more in my opinion. How have I been living with myself in my opinion is the question I should ask. Or how did other people even stand looking at me is another good question. If I saw myself like this I would have just given up on myself. Pathetic little creature.
Also. What the fuck has been wrong with my sleeping pattern. I know I’ve neglected my sleeping pattern since sophomore year cause of AP Bio… but with the summer here I should have a regular one. I mean fuck it’s only gonna get worse from here. Waking up in the middle of the nights for no reason whatsoever and even having sleepless nights where I can’t even fall asleep at all. It just pisses me off more and more because I really want a night where I could just ass out and have a good sleep. With work just piling up my hours of me being tired… it’s not really helping… even though I thought it would. I thought since I’m working 9-5 with about an hour and 30 minute commute everyday… I should have a decently normal sleeping pattern, but no… it’s only been worse. I’ve been sleeping around 2-4 o’ clock and waking up at 2-3 times every night. It wasn’t as bad as this when I had school… so why is it so bad now. I dunno, but it’s just another list of things that’s pissing me off these days.
I have no idea where I’m going with this entry. I’m just pissed at myself for being such a stupid idiot. I knew it was coming but I wanted to be blinded. I wanted to be blind and ignore it. I don’t know why… but I knew I was digging myself in a bigger hole everyday… making it harder to climb out… but yet I still trudged through and dug myself in it anyway. Especially with some of the shit I said or I guess some of the things I pressed on… I just dug myself deeper and deeper. Fuck that. I’ve been retarded. Retarded and as I said before… acting out on desires instead of with my mind and heart. Yeah, pretty much acting like a fucking gorilla. Something with an impulse with no indication of thoughts being put into it.
"If a person does not know right from wrong, they are an animal. If a person does not feel embarrassment, they are not human" Yeah I remember that mom and dad, but guess what. In four years I haven’t changed. Throughout high school it feels like I’ve pushed away my morals and strayed away from what my parents knew me as. I’ve become an animal. And this situation to me proves that I’m not a human since I don’t know when I should stop and feel embarrassed about myself. How pathetic.
Great. I’m going to become even worse over the next four years in my honest opinion. The world of business is going to be a grueling one. Even working at my intern job, I see what some of the people do for high cash. Money is going to eat me alive and going to be making me put that as my priority instead of everything else. This means that yeah, I’ll become more of an animal for money. I know it for a fact. But that is something I want to pursue my life in. Is this paralleling the situation I had now? Fuck yeah it does, but I guess I won’t learn my lesson until I put myself in the shoes of a business man first.
College. It’s going to be fun. Even though in the paragraph above I said the next four years I’m going to become worse… I still can’t wait. It’s gonna be fucking fun as hell. I’m still not gonna be in the party scene, but fuck, I can’t wait for my connections to just grow more and more in college. I mean that’s what I really want to do. I want to know more fucking people and just expand my network for my future. Even though I’m rooming with kids that I know, I’m going to branch out from that and get some new people into my little “Wolf Pack.” It’s going to be an interesting four years… since everyone says college is something that made them into the person that they are now (Or at least that’s what all the workers at Intrasphere told me).
Well that was a bunch of bull shit. I’m gonna end it here cause to be honest. By the end of this thing I don’t know what the fuck I wrote, but I feel better somehow. I knew I was gonna type something, but nothing this long. Whatever. It’s 2:44. It’s going to be another one of those sleepless nights again.
I dunno, I’ve always used that as my sort of escape from everything in general. A loss? Let’s drink to it. A heart break? Let’s go smoke a cig. An internal struggle? Let’s listen to some music. Stressed? Let’s go smoke a blunt. It seems really kiddish that I’ve been doing that since I was a kid. Always playing video games to comfort me or trying to listen to music back then. I think that’s why I’ve always been a gamer… since I’ve found it as an escape from this world and into something completely fantasy-like. Even with books… I’ve never been a big reader, but it’s those sci-fi and really fantasy-like fiction books like The Lord of the Rings and books about dragons and weird mystical words that always have intrigued me. Comic books… another way that I’ve always found myself sinking into a different world where I can’t help to wish I had a super power of my own and that somehow even when shit is going wrong… the superhero always triumphs and get’s what he wanted in the start somehow.
Eunice Han brought up an interesting point. Man up. Maybe I should have done that awhile back. Well fuck it, time slips like sand in an hourglass and you won’t get it back so who fucking cares about it right now.
See, it’s so easy for me to say/do that. I dunno. It really is a big problem for me since… It’s so hypocritical of who I want to be. Haha, that clean kid that I used to be like 5 years ago. I miss it. Now everyone sees me as a pot head? Now when the fuck did that happen. I mean yeah, I smoke, but not as crazy as some people think I do. I mean yeah, I hang around with my friends who do that a shit ton more than me. I’m not Solo Dolo almost at all. Maybe I’ve done it like 5-8 times max… and that’s not bad at all. So I have no idea where that name comes from. I guess it’s because I try to prove something that I’m not.
I guess that brings me to my other point. Trying to make my life seem so larger than life. Trying to impress others cause I’ve been so insecure in my past about the life I’ve lead since I’ve been such a boring person. I mean it really didn’t occur to me until I stopped and really looked at my college resume and thought back over the last four years of high school. I mean frosh year is when I started smoking like crazy. I guess it started like that cause I’ve had so much past grudges and bull shit issues about myself that I didn’t want to think of. Then sophomore year came around and that’s definitely when I changed the most. But as that one relationship I had slipped and turned into something else… I saw myself change and revert back to my old self. I guess I relied on her to be the sole purpose of being a good person because I really liked her and didn’t want to see her get upset at all.
Around the end of junior year… I guess that’s when my party frenzy scene started to happen. I mean… partying was fun and all and that’s when I really started to get into it… until about the end of football season. From then on out… I’ve been so out of the loop. I’ve really given up on that scene thinking back to it now. The last party I went to was in fucking April. Yeah… the first day of Spring Break. Oh and Eunice Han’s… whenever the fuck that was. But besides that… there hasn’t been any alcohol in my system. Yeah I’ve smoked weed here and there, but nothing big… just with like 1 or 2 kids.
So what have I been doing lately. To be honest I have no fucking clue myself. Just obsessing over shit I can’t have and barking up the wrong tree (which I can’t believe Eunice has never heard before). I’ve looked back and I’ve been fucking ridiculous to myself. Making my life revolve around a sole center that could escape and leave anytime… and that I should have left but no, I’ve been a stubborn little baby about this and it fucking comes around and bites me back in my head 100 times harder than it should have.
My heart? Fuck it I’ve stopped listening to what it should have done. I’ve been thinking solely on desires. It’s become so callous since I’ve been living like this… just living day-by-day looking for an excuse to just slide on with life. Fuck it. I’ve become pathetic and the outcome of the situation just shows it more in my opinion. How have I been living with myself in my opinion is the question I should ask. Or how did other people even stand looking at me is another good question. If I saw myself like this I would have just given up on myself. Pathetic little creature.
Also. What the fuck has been wrong with my sleeping pattern. I know I’ve neglected my sleeping pattern since sophomore year cause of AP Bio… but with the summer here I should have a regular one. I mean fuck it’s only gonna get worse from here. Waking up in the middle of the nights for no reason whatsoever and even having sleepless nights where I can’t even fall asleep at all. It just pisses me off more and more because I really want a night where I could just ass out and have a good sleep. With work just piling up my hours of me being tired… it’s not really helping… even though I thought it would. I thought since I’m working 9-5 with about an hour and 30 minute commute everyday… I should have a decently normal sleeping pattern, but no… it’s only been worse. I’ve been sleeping around 2-4 o’ clock and waking up at 2-3 times every night. It wasn’t as bad as this when I had school… so why is it so bad now. I dunno, but it’s just another list of things that’s pissing me off these days.
I have no idea where I’m going with this entry. I’m just pissed at myself for being such a stupid idiot. I knew it was coming but I wanted to be blinded. I wanted to be blind and ignore it. I don’t know why… but I knew I was digging myself in a bigger hole everyday… making it harder to climb out… but yet I still trudged through and dug myself in it anyway. Especially with some of the shit I said or I guess some of the things I pressed on… I just dug myself deeper and deeper. Fuck that. I’ve been retarded. Retarded and as I said before… acting out on desires instead of with my mind and heart. Yeah, pretty much acting like a fucking gorilla. Something with an impulse with no indication of thoughts being put into it.
"If a person does not know right from wrong, they are an animal. If a person does not feel embarrassment, they are not human" Yeah I remember that mom and dad, but guess what. In four years I haven’t changed. Throughout high school it feels like I’ve pushed away my morals and strayed away from what my parents knew me as. I’ve become an animal. And this situation to me proves that I’m not a human since I don’t know when I should stop and feel embarrassed about myself. How pathetic.
Great. I’m going to become even worse over the next four years in my honest opinion. The world of business is going to be a grueling one. Even working at my intern job, I see what some of the people do for high cash. Money is going to eat me alive and going to be making me put that as my priority instead of everything else. This means that yeah, I’ll become more of an animal for money. I know it for a fact. But that is something I want to pursue my life in. Is this paralleling the situation I had now? Fuck yeah it does, but I guess I won’t learn my lesson until I put myself in the shoes of a business man first.
College. It’s going to be fun. Even though in the paragraph above I said the next four years I’m going to become worse… I still can’t wait. It’s gonna be fucking fun as hell. I’m still not gonna be in the party scene, but fuck, I can’t wait for my connections to just grow more and more in college. I mean that’s what I really want to do. I want to know more fucking people and just expand my network for my future. Even though I’m rooming with kids that I know, I’m going to branch out from that and get some new people into my little “Wolf Pack.” It’s going to be an interesting four years… since everyone says college is something that made them into the person that they are now (Or at least that’s what all the workers at Intrasphere told me).
Well that was a bunch of bull shit. I’m gonna end it here cause to be honest. By the end of this thing I don’t know what the fuck I wrote, but I feel better somehow. I knew I was gonna type something, but nothing this long. Whatever. It’s 2:44. It’s going to be another one of those sleepless nights again.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I'm Sick of Me.
I have no idea why I’m writing this to be honest. But maybe this might help a little bit? Who knows.
The days during and after break… were so bleh to me for some reason. Some days were good… like Saturday and Sunday… but Thursday and Friday were fucking dreadful. Also that entire week back going into school with the snowdays were dreadful also. I mean, I actually have no idea what’s wrong with me right now. Well I don’t want to say there’s something wrong per-say… but my emotions have been so apathetic again. Lazy, dead, tired… no passion… no heart.
I mean, there are some things that I really would want to do again, but yet again I say it, I have no heart right now. People are blah, music is sometimes blah, reading is blah, school is uber blah, working out is sometimes blah… I dunno. To be honest I have no idea what’s going on in my head. There’s just a lot of stuff at the moment… or maybe I’m just not thinking hard enough. But whatever that wants to come out of my head… is not coming out at all right now.
I wish I had some sort of calling… or an answer of some sort. A quote I heard was "Use your phone not just for making calls but for a ‘calling’." After I read that, I thought about some stuff… maybe that’s what’s plaguing my mind. Rekindling relationships that I’ve wanted again. But I really doubt that’s one of the bigger stuff that’s bothering me.
I just don’t want to connect to anything I think. I mean, sure there are the connections I’ve made with people. Fine, I’ll keep those… but if someone breaks off that connection, then fuck it, maybe I won’t try to bring it back. I’m a lazy fuck that wants you to do it… not me.
But maybe that’s not what’s bothering me either… maybe it’s just my mouth in general. The shit I say is sometimes insane. Fucking insane isn’t it sometimes. Maybe I should watch that instead cause that’s what get’s me in trouble. I tell someone something, they tell someone else and I fucking get boned for it. But no, I don’t think that’s what is bothering me.
Maybe, it’s just me that’s bothering me.
I’m sick of myself.
The days during and after break… were so bleh to me for some reason. Some days were good… like Saturday and Sunday… but Thursday and Friday were fucking dreadful. Also that entire week back going into school with the snowdays were dreadful also. I mean, I actually have no idea what’s wrong with me right now. Well I don’t want to say there’s something wrong per-say… but my emotions have been so apathetic again. Lazy, dead, tired… no passion… no heart.
I mean, there are some things that I really would want to do again, but yet again I say it, I have no heart right now. People are blah, music is sometimes blah, reading is blah, school is uber blah, working out is sometimes blah… I dunno. To be honest I have no idea what’s going on in my head. There’s just a lot of stuff at the moment… or maybe I’m just not thinking hard enough. But whatever that wants to come out of my head… is not coming out at all right now.
I wish I had some sort of calling… or an answer of some sort. A quote I heard was "Use your phone not just for making calls but for a ‘calling’." After I read that, I thought about some stuff… maybe that’s what’s plaguing my mind. Rekindling relationships that I’ve wanted again. But I really doubt that’s one of the bigger stuff that’s bothering me.
I just don’t want to connect to anything I think. I mean, sure there are the connections I’ve made with people. Fine, I’ll keep those… but if someone breaks off that connection, then fuck it, maybe I won’t try to bring it back. I’m a lazy fuck that wants you to do it… not me.
But maybe that’s not what’s bothering me either… maybe it’s just my mouth in general. The shit I say is sometimes insane. Fucking insane isn’t it sometimes. Maybe I should watch that instead cause that’s what get’s me in trouble. I tell someone something, they tell someone else and I fucking get boned for it. But no, I don’t think that’s what is bothering me.
Maybe, it’s just me that’s bothering me.
I’m sick of myself.
Friday, February 12, 2010
An Insignificant Little Shit.
Right now I’m just a really angry person at myself and my stupidity. I mean there were signs everywhere, but as I’ve said multiple times before, I’m an ignorant piece of shit. Fucking up my own hands won’t do anything, but in my mind, if there isn’t blood on my hands, it feels like I have done absolutely nothing. I guess my own blood will have to do for now… so as I continuously just punch these walls and think about how I could help my family… I’ll just wallow in my self pity and just be a confused little tiny piece of shit. A little speck in this huge world. That’s what I am for now. An insignificant little fucker who tries to think he’s bigger than he really is. Not even good enough to be an ant in the millions of little dust around me. Nope, not even that big. I’m fucking small. I’m fucking scared. I’m a loser. I’m damned. I’m cursed. I’m an idiot. I’m inconsiderate. I’m a jerk. I’m a person who is hot headed, yet will not take action. I’m the person that I hate the most.
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