It’s been bothering me that I haven’t written anything in awhile… I guess I’ve been lazy and such… but I guess I have to change that since there are things that have been bothering me and keeping it all in isn’t smart. I already know what would happen if I explode… since I’ve already done it this past week to a random stranger while I was on vacation in Universal Studios… Poor person… I mean she was annoying because she was pushing and trying to shove me off the line… but I haven’t flipped out like that unless I’m really in the mood to fight with someone, which of course usually occurs when I’m intoxicated… so bursting out like this wasn’t normal for me while I was sober.
Anywho, I still can’t believe how fast time is going by. It’s amazing to me that I’m now a college junior… it only still feels like I was a middle schooler/high schooler… but the real world is coming at me quick and time isn’t looking back. Stepping into my old middle school and seeing my teachers when I went to my youngest brother’s middle school graduation… definitely felt weird. Seeing the expressions on my teachers and them telling me how old I was getting and how they were proud to see me going to an internship and attending Villanova really seemed strange since I never thought about college or what I’d be doing when I was 20 while I was still in middle school. To me those thoughts didn’t occur to me at all… and how naive and happy I was then.
Work… work is interesting. They’re making me do a lot more than what I did last year… it actually feels like I’m an actual employee since I actually get to view, analyze, and upload all of the market data. It’s a lot more work, but it is much more interesting compared to the spread sheets that I had to analyze and create last year. I guess that’s a perk of being a returning intern… since I know the system and they know me and my working habits… they’ll assign me legit work to do. It’s fun… yet a little scary since I know the work that I actually do… will affect the company and multiple other companies and trades in the business world so if I fuck up… I’m in royal shit. It’s difficult though because I’m not used to waking up this early to commute and work late and arrive home late… but I guess this is what real life is going to be so I better get used to it. Scary… to think in about 3-4 years I’ll be living on my own in my own apartment without the comfort of home and parents. Yeah it’ll be a blessing, but everything just seems easier when I’m at home… even though when my parents nag it gets on my nerves… they’re still looking out for me, so it’s not like it’s a huge problem.
School… I really have to do well in the next two years. This is legit the crunch time that my dad has talked about to me over the past years. I’ve goofed off too much my freshman and sophomore year… and it really shows in my grades. I’ve really come complacent also with just getting a B, B-… I guess it’s because I’ve always had a tendency to let everything just “slide by” so I could just take the easy way out. Seriously, I can’t let that happen… because my GPA is definitely suffering… and with this job market out there… I really can’t fuck up or else I will truly be fucked up. I already know a decent amount of people having difficulty because of the situations that they might be in, so I can’t take my situation for granted… so let’s push on and truly do my best.
Music… what can I say about music. I love all different types of music it’s actually really strange. I can appreciate classical music and all of the different variations of skills it takes to play. It’s amazing what a skilled person can do with such simple things… It’s actually fascinating. Listening to house/electronic music, Korean music, different variations of rock, classical, pop… it’s interesting how there are certain forms and structures that they all follow because it just “sounds good” and it’s how the world perceives it as “good music”. It all stems down from something, which is amazing to hear when you can find it.
Friends… I miss my Villanova friends… I miss some of my school friends… and I miss a lot of my church friends. I’ve drifted away a lot from my school and church friends, but it can’t be helped. My school friends and I have differed once we entered high school in the first place… and it definitely shows because of where they are now and where I am now… no offense to any of them, but some have dropped out of school, some have failed some courses… but it’s not like I’m saying I expected them to do this, but I definitely could have seen it coming and it’s bad that it’s not surprising to me in any way. Church friends… well distance always keeps us apart, and the summer isn’t quite long enough to catch up and see all the changes we’ve made in our livestyles because of college. It’s not a bad thing, but we are all growing in different ways and adjusting our lives to our lives back at our “home” in our schools so it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just sad that what we had for 4-6 years is somewhat gone and is just a distant memory now. But what can you do… that’s life. School friends… honestly I never thought I’d miss some of you, but I really got a decent crew back at Villanova. It’s weird because when I go to church they think of Andy, DH, Chris Doh, and D-Chung… but that’s not the crew that I originally think of when I think of my “crew” back at Nova. It’s Rich, D-Pang, AnKang that springs into my head. Those motherfuckers… we’ve been drinking together for too long… and I guess I miss our weird, strange, conversations while we’re drinking, and how sad/funny our drinking experiences could be at some times. Can’t wait to see you in two months.
Another topic I guess that came into my mind since I’ve drifted to the Nova crew… is girls. How many times we’ve talked about this… and it’s sad. Nova is a desert and all we can find are the scorpions or abysses that appear out of nowhere. It’s frustrating because I definitely should be looking for the future… and I shouldn’t really be rushing into anything, but damn how bad can our school get sometimes. Maybe my standards are too high at times, but I dunno… I still haven’t found that person at my school yet. And there’s always something lingering because my thoughts always lead me back to someone at times anyway. That’s always not a good thing because at times I just lay awake at night… thinking sometimes that I should have the courage to just say it because at times it was obvious… blatantly obvious, but I’m always such a coward because of the fear and repercussions that it potentially has. Especially because of a certain memory in the past, I’m definitely not ready for a situation like that to occur especially with such a close friend, but seriously, if those thoughts never leave, then what am I supposed to do? It’s not like I could move on completely until someone else can captivate me like that right? I guess it’s going to always be a problem until I have full closure so I have to figure out an answer quick.
Mundane. I’ve always feared this… that everything has become stale and mundane. For some reason it’s not like this in college… even though we do the same routine, have almost the same conversations every time we drink together, or play the same games and all of that bullshit. However, when I enter home… everything just becomes mundane. The people, the events, the things that I do… especially with a work routine that consists of waking up, eating, commuting, working, commuting, working out, and sleeping… which is pretty boring and without any spark it gets harder to wake up the next day… knowing that everyday is going to be the SAME exact day as yesterday. It’s no wonder why some people go crazy and do some fucked up shit in the world… I wouldn’t be surprised. I always knew that the most normal and mundane people could do the most fucked up shit anyway.
Honestly, I have no idea where I’m going in this post. It’s a bunch of sporadic thoughts that have been within in my head ever since I’ve been in school and come back from school so obviously they’re a little important if they’ve been plaguing my mind like so… or maybe it’s just that I’ve become so brain dead that these are the only “original” thoughts I could have left. For now, who knows, who cares… I have to sleep to wake up for work tomorrow.
