I have no idea why I’m writing this to be honest. But maybe this might help a little bit? Who knows.
The days during and after break… were so bleh to me for some reason. Some days were good… like Saturday and Sunday… but Thursday and Friday were fucking dreadful. Also that entire week back going into school with the snowdays were dreadful also. I mean, I actually have no idea what’s wrong with me right now. Well I don’t want to say there’s something wrong per-say… but my emotions have been so apathetic again. Lazy, dead, tired… no passion… no heart.
I mean, there are some things that I really would want to do again, but yet again I say it, I have no heart right now. People are blah, music is sometimes blah, reading is blah, school is uber blah, working out is sometimes blah… I dunno. To be honest I have no idea what’s going on in my head. There’s just a lot of stuff at the moment… or maybe I’m just not thinking hard enough. But whatever that wants to come out of my head… is not coming out at all right now.
I wish I had some sort of calling… or an answer of some sort. A quote I heard was "Use your phone not just for making calls but for a ‘calling’." After I read that, I thought about some stuff… maybe that’s what’s plaguing my mind. Rekindling relationships that I’ve wanted again. But I really doubt that’s one of the bigger stuff that’s bothering me.
I just don’t want to connect to anything I think. I mean, sure there are the connections I’ve made with people. Fine, I’ll keep those… but if someone breaks off that connection, then fuck it, maybe I won’t try to bring it back. I’m a lazy fuck that wants you to do it… not me.
But maybe that’s not what’s bothering me either… maybe it’s just my mouth in general. The shit I say is sometimes insane. Fucking insane isn’t it sometimes. Maybe I should watch that instead cause that’s what get’s me in trouble. I tell someone something, they tell someone else and I fucking get boned for it. But no, I don’t think that’s what is bothering me.
Maybe, it’s just me that’s bothering me.
I’m sick of myself.
