My mind is racing right now to find out the current emotions I feel. My motto is always “hoping for the best, but expecting the worst”, which leads me to believe I maintain a neutral outlook on life, even though I’m far from it. I really can’t hope for the best, because I don’t know what the best is. I’ve never really experienced it, therefore, how will I know what the best possible outcome is. Most of my thoughts instead of thinking of what the best possible outcome will be, is instead clustered into how I have the need to criticize myself for every action. It’s not that I’m not confident in my abilities, but I do not want to seem arrogant or cocky, which means I will downplay all of my achievements and compliments. When it comes to friends, I know I don’t have a lot. Some people would say that they wouldn’t be content with this, but to be honest, I can’t open myself up to people, which make me callous to those who want me in their lives as well. I’ve grown to “fake” interest in people who aren’t well known to me at a certain time, but after awhile, I get tired, and people tend to give up on me. I’m a bitter person with harsh words, and usually I bite my tongue so that I can save a lot of my relationships. It’s either that they’re “lower” than me, or that I respect them to the fact that it makes it hard to maintain that type of relationship, since they’re “above” me. It’s also funny that people think that I’m without emotion since I don’t express it well. It’s crazy how many times I think of relationships just out of the blue and think of how much certain people have changed my lives. I really want to express it to the people I deeply care about, but I’m just incapable of expressing these words unless it’s a time of complete duress, or anger. I’m a narcissist in the fact that I believe my opinion is the only one correct, and in many situations, I have to have the last word of the conversation and will make any other type of comment null and void with something that I had to say or think of. Sometimes I did wish to have a time to unload all of these emotions without appearing weak or helpless, but life doesn’t work in this fashion.
I guess it’s all just one huge complaint about how I’ve been living my life. It’s a huge excuse that I give myself when I’m down in the dumps, or know that I should have achieved something but didn’t. This is my cigarette. This is what I have to use every time in my head to give myself a breather and let myself know that “everything is okay and that I will be happy.” I knew that these thoughts would come back to haunt me and kill me, especially since I’ve been so “happy” while I was at college. I knew that I couldn’t just go ahead and change who I was, and that the past mistakes I’ve made will eventually appear over and over again in my life unless I wanted to change something about it. But just like the personality I wrote up in the top, I just kept it the same and let it “slide”. Something that I’m so used to. Just letting myself get by in life without trying to put in certain effort, or if I do, ensuring myself that I did my best, even though I clearly didn’t.
I don’t think I’ve come to the fact that my grandpa has passed away sometimes. I think about my grandparents thinking that I can treasure them and hold them on forever. That I take them for granted. I never even got to see him on his birthday since I was at school. I had missed the chance to tell him happy birthday since I was just busy drinking on a weekend. That I didn’t go visit my grandma or my grandpa during any of the breaks because it was too much of a hassle. I wasn’t able to cherish any of the time that I was given because I was “too good” or just “too busy”. I feel like shit knowing that I treated visiting them as a chore, rather than something out of love. Even when I think about visiting now, and how when I go to my grandma’s apartment, that I will be seeing both of them and just them showering me with love. However, it’s not like that anymore at all. My grandma has loved me for so long and I know that I am her favorite grandchild. She would sacrifice anything for me just to see me smile. And now I’m the one that has to return that to her. I think back to the day of my grandfather’s wake, and saw how strong my grandmother was during that time. How she was holding back her tears until it was the last time that we would ever be able to see him. How she wasn’t thinking of herself during that time, but she was thinking of all her grandkids in saying that none of us were able to get the chance to say good-bye to him and how “selfish” he was for leaving us in that fashion. My grandmother is such a strong person. And as I see her now, so frail and weak… as selfish as it sounds… can’t bear to imagine the day she will leave us as well.
It’s not only my dad’s side, but it is also my mom’s side as well. As the first child of my mother’s side, not was I only heavily babied, and pampered, but also hold certain responsibilities and obligations that I must fulfill. I can’t even imagine how devastated I would be if I lost one of them before I can show them the type of person that I can be and how much trust and love that they’ve shown me, was all for nothing. Even when they e-mail me now, I try to respond as soon as possible, and constantly tell them that I love them. Especially with my grandmother’s deteriorating health that she was plagued with in the past, and that my parents even tried to hide from me since I was at college… I just want to make them proud. I want to make all of my family proud. My grandfather in heaven, my grandmother, my grandfather and grandmother on my mom’s side, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my parents, my brothers. I want them to not give up on me and the expectations they have on me. Even though it’s difficult, I want to pursue. Even though I never asked for this, I want myself to be the best. Because if I’m not… then who is the one that has to clean up after me? There’s nobody. It’s all on me. I don’t have the option to fail now and if I fail, I’ll have to live with all of this guilt for the rest of my life.
I hate that I never let go. Even as a Christian, I know you’re supposed to forgive. I know you’re supposed to let go and let God. I can’t do it. I can’t let go of my feelings. I can’t let go of what people have done to me. I can’t let go of what I’ve done to other people. I can’t let go.
