Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thoughts On The Train.
As I go back home… All I’m doing is thinking. I love going home because everything is calmer… And I do miss my family. Of course, I never show it, but my appreciation for my parents, the love for my parents and my brothers, and just seeing everyone… It makes me really happy. It’s weird being the first one to graduate and go to college on my mom’s side. I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on my shoulders to be the best example not only to my brothers, but also to all my younger cousins… Especially the oldest ones, my brother and my two cousins… who are now all in high school. Thanksgiving is going to be real fun. I haven’t seen any of them… And I know I’m going to be asked a lot of questions by my family about how college is and how I’ve been doing. To be honest though, I have no idea how I’m going to answer this. Time management for me is terrible… And therefore all my work just piles up on me. But it’s not that hard yet, but I know it’ll only get harder from here. It’s going to be an interesting journey. Not only that, but the environment at school changed radically also. Because of prior events… Things have changed. I mean it’s not bad, I could care less, but I know this next semester is going to be an interesting one. Once Tyler gets better, it’s going to be an interesting journey. The crew only started, and now we know… Who’s in and who’s out. It’s gonna be fun drinking with these guys again. I only hope next semester gets better… And hopefully I’ll miss almost no classes. I’m not a morning person at all and could barely wake up… So I hope the change to afternoon classes will be a good one. I could only hope I change my pattern… But for now I’ll just make due of what I am now. Anyway. I’m Jersey bound. While I’m there… Nothing but myself stands in the way. Let’s be happy.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I Am A Fuck Up.
It’s way too early in the morning… 417 to be exact. I’ve fucked around and fucked up too many times in my life.
In high school I’ve always tried to slide by and just pass everything. I’ve always thought my mindset would change once I got to college… But how can you change a habit you’re so used to. Even with smoking. I mean, yeah I cut down, but I still need it when I get mad depressed or start thinking a shit ton about life and crap. It’s bad… Yeah I recognize it, but still… There’s no change. But yeah, I cut down… And I still plan to quit sometime soon.
As Rich and I talked about… There’s no room for fucking up in college. We’ve wasted so much time… I mean 1/8 of our college life is almost over… Like holy shit. That doesn’t really click in my head that well… But it’s still the reality. I really need that swift kick in the ass telling me… Time isn’t slowing down for you so make the best of it. Even talking with Min on Saturday (Sunday morning) after I came back from drinking… I’ve recognized so much of my time here at Nova has been fun and games… Not even, just fucking around and constantly doing stupid shit. It hasn’t really clicked in my head, but damn… I’m wasting so much money and time by doing this shit. It’s actually insane.
As Rich and I just had a heart-to-heart we’ve been able to realize how much family, education, time, money, and all those cliche things are important, but what good are those realizations if we never do anything about them. Actions always speak louder than words… So until those actions come and manifest themselves… I think it’s worse that we have those realizations and never do anything about them. It’s like we’ve recognized it, but become selfish in some sort of way to just let it pass by in the back of our heads like it’s no big deal… But guess what, those thoughts will constantly manifest themselves again and again and again… Until we feel content with ourselves in our hearts and minds saying that we did a good job.
Trust very few friends, always trust family, and fuck the rest. To be completely honest, I don’t think I could trust many people. I was always fake to them showing a complete facade to make sure they wouldn’t question anything… But man nobody ever came about in peeling that mask off. Sometimes I even question myself… When is the mask ever off? I guess it’s off when I find the right people… Very few times… I’ve been sincerely happy. I mean chilling with all you mother fuckers is nice and everything… But never really had true satisfaction during many of those times. I guess this talk just made me really happy because we both put our guards down and really let each other talk… About life, family, our past, our future… And girls.. Haha.
Man, I feel like I’m so fucked here for the girls. And I don’t even have anyone back home that would even like me. College is the time to find that right someone… And so far, every step of the way is still haunting me. Past ghosts constantly pop up into my head… And damn, those are stronger than anything I could imagine. How much I’ve hurt others… And how much others have hurt me… That burden haunts me as I go to sleep, wake up, and even live. I never really gave it a thought since I always thought the pieces of the puzzle would fit in when the time is right, but sometimes… My cynical mindset always questions everything. I really shouldn’t worry too much… And definitely should be going to sleep soon… But I feel that tonight (morning) will be a restless night… Just my mind thinking… Thinking… Thinking. Time check: 503… Damn. And all this time I’ve been writing on my Blackberry… I guess I’m not a lone wolf, but I sure as hell do feel like one.
In high school I’ve always tried to slide by and just pass everything. I’ve always thought my mindset would change once I got to college… But how can you change a habit you’re so used to. Even with smoking. I mean, yeah I cut down, but I still need it when I get mad depressed or start thinking a shit ton about life and crap. It’s bad… Yeah I recognize it, but still… There’s no change. But yeah, I cut down… And I still plan to quit sometime soon.
As Rich and I talked about… There’s no room for fucking up in college. We’ve wasted so much time… I mean 1/8 of our college life is almost over… Like holy shit. That doesn’t really click in my head that well… But it’s still the reality. I really need that swift kick in the ass telling me… Time isn’t slowing down for you so make the best of it. Even talking with Min on Saturday (Sunday morning) after I came back from drinking… I’ve recognized so much of my time here at Nova has been fun and games… Not even, just fucking around and constantly doing stupid shit. It hasn’t really clicked in my head, but damn… I’m wasting so much money and time by doing this shit. It’s actually insane.
As Rich and I just had a heart-to-heart we’ve been able to realize how much family, education, time, money, and all those cliche things are important, but what good are those realizations if we never do anything about them. Actions always speak louder than words… So until those actions come and manifest themselves… I think it’s worse that we have those realizations and never do anything about them. It’s like we’ve recognized it, but become selfish in some sort of way to just let it pass by in the back of our heads like it’s no big deal… But guess what, those thoughts will constantly manifest themselves again and again and again… Until we feel content with ourselves in our hearts and minds saying that we did a good job.
Trust very few friends, always trust family, and fuck the rest. To be completely honest, I don’t think I could trust many people. I was always fake to them showing a complete facade to make sure they wouldn’t question anything… But man nobody ever came about in peeling that mask off. Sometimes I even question myself… When is the mask ever off? I guess it’s off when I find the right people… Very few times… I’ve been sincerely happy. I mean chilling with all you mother fuckers is nice and everything… But never really had true satisfaction during many of those times. I guess this talk just made me really happy because we both put our guards down and really let each other talk… About life, family, our past, our future… And girls.. Haha.
Man, I feel like I’m so fucked here for the girls. And I don’t even have anyone back home that would even like me. College is the time to find that right someone… And so far, every step of the way is still haunting me. Past ghosts constantly pop up into my head… And damn, those are stronger than anything I could imagine. How much I’ve hurt others… And how much others have hurt me… That burden haunts me as I go to sleep, wake up, and even live. I never really gave it a thought since I always thought the pieces of the puzzle would fit in when the time is right, but sometimes… My cynical mindset always questions everything. I really shouldn’t worry too much… And definitely should be going to sleep soon… But I feel that tonight (morning) will be a restless night… Just my mind thinking… Thinking… Thinking. Time check: 503… Damn. And all this time I’ve been writing on my Blackberry… I guess I’m not a lone wolf, but I sure as hell do feel like one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)