The Mistakes We Knew We Were Making.

It's crazy to think about how many times you make the same mistake over and over again, just hoping for a different outcome every time you commit those mistakes.  Sometimes it can be just as simple as holding the key in the wrong direction when you try to open your door or it can be a complex, by making one mistake and creating a domino effect that just propels you into a downward motion.  Now, I didn't commit THAT complex of a mistake, like starting heroine or anything crazy like that, but there's been some bad mistakes that I constantly make that create a negative effect in my life.  It can be something as small as procrastinating when studying or doing homework or something as big as being with the wrong people and causing yourself and your lifestyle to change and suffer in that way as well.

I'd hope to think that I grew up in someway during college... and at least that I got those types of life experiences out of the way, but I know that it's only going to get harder from this point on.  Getting accustomed to the ways to work everyday with the same people and probably working on things that I don't like with people I don't like, but at the end... everybody's has to go through the same and try to reach the top right?  It's not like I can really complain anyway... I don't even have a job at this moment and I'm still scratching my way up to at least find a good one.

I guess as 2013 is wrapping up it's end... I'm just thinking about how much has changed throughout this year. Honestly, I think I've made some pretty bad choices and some pretty good choices as well throughout this year.

• It sucks that it's taken a 3 years, but I feel like school and studying is finally on track to what it should be, and that I'm taking every moment more seriously now... (except when I'm on breaks... that's when I'm literally living a sloth life).
• I've made some good friends, and lost some good friends, but life is always a revolving door.  You just have to accept that people will come and go, and that experiences shared by you and the people that came into your life will be the ones that make the ultimate impact on your life, and you can't linger and hope for the friendship to come back.  Either you work for it, or you just have to accept that you moved on your separate ways and hopefully one day, you'll be able to reunite once more
• I've experienced the first death in the family and it was a real impact.  I wrote about it a lot, so I really don't have to write anymore on it.
• I've come to love my family and everyone in it.  I guess this came hand-in-hand with the prior one, but I've really come to love my family.  All my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  I'm really lucky that they're all nearby and that we're always able to share the holidays together.
• I've cut down on gaming... but I've come to watch more TV shows.  Definitely a good choice to cut back on gaming, but a bad one to fill the time that I spent on gaming to watch TV.  I'll be trying to fill that void of time by reading next year instead.

It's weird to think that I'm going to be assimilated into the "real" world soon and that my school days are coming to a close.  I mean college is where the domino effects of my actions are supposed to start, but I don't think I fully recognized that yet.  In some ways I did grow up and recognize some of my faults, but that's only the first step.  It's not like I started acting upon them to fix myself and become a better person, but just like how I do most of my actions in life... I acknowledge the problem and then just try to get by without fixing them or facing them head on.

That's definitely one thing I need to continually work on throughout the next years of my life before that side of me makes a critical mistake that I can't fix just by "getting by".  2013 was a good year and I can only hope that when I get into a new chapter of my life, 2014 can treat me the same.

Thankful.

The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.

While I think about this post and the holiday that just passed, I guess all I can think about is how thankful I should be for everything around me.  To be around loving family, not just my dad, mom, and brothers, but also my grandparents, my uncles and aunts, as well as all of my cousins.  I'm privileged to come from a family that lives very close to each other and is able to see each other on many different occasions, which is why a family gathering doesn't seem so foreign and special to me.  That fact alone makes it seem like I'm taking it for granted, but as I grow up, I'll truly see how special these times are to me.  It's not going to be like this forever... so I have to just soak it all in now while I still can.

While I was spending the Thanksgiving morning with my grandmother I saw how happy she was to see my family.  It really must be weird being alone now and to be honest, it still makes me cry when I see how happy she gets and how sad she is when we leave.  As my brother and I walked her back into her apartment and were saying our goodbyes, she was tearing up, and my brother and I had to leave quickly before we started crying in front of her as well.  We were supposed to visit grandpa today, but the mausoleum was closed, but I promise grandpa, I'll come visit you when I'm back for winter break.

I know I talked about grandpa a bit in my other post but I don't think I ever really talked about it or wrote about it when he passed away.  In my family he was the first immediate family that I knew that passed away.  Seeing my entire family in that moment was one of the hardest things I've experienced because of all the emotions that I felt during that time.  To be honest I really didn't know my grandpa a lot since he was in Korea for the early parts of my childhood, but he was the one who took care of my older cousin when he was a kid.  I felt that I really missed a chance to get to know him a bit before he was gone, which always sucks now that I think back to it.  An opportunity like that will never appear again, but I want to say that he was at least always happy to visit our family when he came over to visit.  I still remember his smile and the way he wears a hat and would talk, and just those memories are a good enough reason and motivation for me to push on and carry through.

But back to grandma... as I think about her now I can only get upset at myself.  This was the grandma that raised me since I was a kid and since I've become so busy, I can't find certain times to visit, even though I wish I can.  I really hope that she stays healthy enough so that she can at least see me graduate... and hopefully even see me get married.  But to be honest, I'm not sure when the latter would happen.  She just turned 84 years old this past month and I know for a fact that her health isn't at the best.  I just can't imagine what would happen when I would have to think about my grandma passing away as well.  I'm thankful that she's still here and that she's still able to find happiness in everything.  I continue to hope that she finds happiness and that she doesn't get lonely, and I hope to God that she will continue to stay healthy as well.

My mom and my dad are people that should be receiving my thanks daily because of all the hard work that they put into my life and trying to make my life easier.  It's been hard financially because of my brother and me going to school at the same time, but my parents try to reassure us that nothing is going wrong and that everything is fine.  I know that it's a tough financial burden, especially since my brother and I are going to fairly expensive private schools...  All I can say to them is thank you.  I get angry at myself because I know my grades aren't where they are supposed to be, and that I slacked off.  My parents worked so hard to send me to this school and so far, without a job, I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to pay them back.  I want them to continue to stay healthy, and try to live a comfortable life.  My dad works his ass off at his workplace everyday and I know business isn't doing the best right now.  I'm happy that my mom finally is able to find a place where she isn't hating her life everyday by going into work and that she actually seems to enjoy her workplace environment.  But seriously, I can't say thank you enough to my parents, and will have to show them through actions that they mean the world to me.

I'm thankful for my younger brothers.  Josh to me is a shining light and is one of the smartest and kindest kids I know.  Yeah, he can be weird at times, but he's still my brother and I love him for that.  I need to do well and set a great example because he looks up to me.  It's weird to think that my 19 year old brother still looks up to me, but that just puts more emphasis in what a good type of life that I have to lead.  I was worried about him when he left for college, but as I talked to him over break, it seemed like he has found some good people there, and hopefully he will continue to grow with those people as well.

My brother Philip on the other hand... well he's still my baby brother.  Even though he's turning 16 years old, I still can't see him as anything else but a baby brother.  It's strange that he's getting taller than me, caring more and more about his looks and clothes, and overall becoming a very lazy and apathetic person like me... but I know he's smart enough to do better than me as well.  He's a smart kid that doesn't let his stupid friends bog him down... but he's lazy and plays video games probably as much as I did when I was a kid to let it affect his school work.  I know he's ready to do something more, and hopefully he'll be ready to start working his ass off to get into a good college as well.

I'm thankful for my friends.  They're the ones who've shaped who I am in a major way and I think I'm a decent person... so I guess that's a good thing.  It's insane though to think how many friends I've lost along the way or just lost contact with.  Thinking back... the group I hung out with in freshman year is completely different from who I'm with now.  I guess it doesn't help that almost none of them drink anymore either... All in all, I'm happy with the people I'm with and I really do believe everything happened for a reason.  I was able to find Ankang and Pang through Richard, and even though him and I aren't friends anymore... he's still left a big impact on my life.  It sucks that he's changed so much during junior year, but as long as he's happy, I guess it doesn't really matter.  I guess that he's gone though I've been hanging out and meeting other people.  It's been a good year so far talking to everyone and seeing other faces.  To be honest, I don't know why people would want to be friends with me, but I'm thankful that these people were placed in my life and that they have the patience to put up with me.  I guess all of the stupid talks, hanging out, bumming, and all that stuff made an impact somehow in who am I am today so I'm thankful for all of those.

I'm thankful for my life.  I'm thankful for every time I can take a breathe and continue to wake up in the morning.  To me, that just means it's another day that I can continue to laugh and cherish the people and the environment around me.  It's crazy to think that life can be taken away that quickly, whether by your hand, by someone else, or by natural causes.  Life really is precious.

I really am thankful for so many things and probably am missing a lot of things on this short list.  I really don't want to show it out in the open, but maybe I should really start trying to because everyone has been such awesome people to me... and I definitely don't show it enough about how I appreciate everyone.