It's been insane to think that my college years are ending soon and how much things have changed since freshman year. I don't think I notice sometimes how I've grown and how other people have grown around me and take that for granted a lot. I know I cringe every time I think of the kid that I used to be in high school, but man I cringe even more just to think how I carried myself in college.
To think that I used to be so cocky and would think that I needed to fit in. I guess things didn't change from high school into college at all. After I got comfortable though, I just had to "be myself"... something I didn't really know to be honest. Not trying to sound philosophical or that own shit, but I did have the sense that I lost my own identity after awhile because of the situations around me, but I knew certain things, at least somewhat consciously.
It's not that I'm mad or upset about the path that I chose to walk in college. I think it is all important. I really think everything happened for a reason and that I wouldn't be the same person that I am now. I think my dad really nailed it in the head to me after one conversation where he said he's not angry at my grades and what I've done in college. He told me that whatever I needed to do at the certain time, whether it was studying, sleeping, bumming, drinking, going out, etc. it was important at the time and necessary for me to be the person I am now. I know I've definitely bummed out and didn't study as much as I should during those times, and I'm pissed that I did slack off, but for now, everything is already done, and whatever happened has already happened.
I guess that's why my mind always wanders into the past... since I'm so annoyed at my outlook for the future because of past mistakes or decisions I've made. I gotta keep looking forward, no matter how hard it is sometimes, because if I don't, then what's the point of living and having the capability to live life another day.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Tears.
My mind is racing right now to find out the current emotions I feel. My motto is always “hoping for the best, but expecting the worst”, which leads me to believe I maintain a neutral outlook on life, even though I’m far from it. I really can’t hope for the best, because I don’t know what the best is. I’ve never really experienced it, therefore, how will I know what the best possible outcome is. Most of my thoughts instead of thinking of what the best possible outcome will be, is instead clustered into how I have the need to criticize myself for every action. It’s not that I’m not confident in my abilities, but I do not want to seem arrogant or cocky, which means I will downplay all of my achievements and compliments. When it comes to friends, I know I don’t have a lot. Some people would say that they wouldn’t be content with this, but to be honest, I can’t open myself up to people, which make me callous to those who want me in their lives as well. I’ve grown to “fake” interest in people who aren’t well known to me at a certain time, but after awhile, I get tired, and people tend to give up on me. I’m a bitter person with harsh words, and usually I bite my tongue so that I can save a lot of my relationships. It’s either that they’re “lower” than me, or that I respect them to the fact that it makes it hard to maintain that type of relationship, since they’re “above” me. It’s also funny that people think that I’m without emotion since I don’t express it well. It’s crazy how many times I think of relationships just out of the blue and think of how much certain people have changed my lives. I really want to express it to the people I deeply care about, but I’m just incapable of expressing these words unless it’s a time of complete duress, or anger. I’m a narcissist in the fact that I believe my opinion is the only one correct, and in many situations, I have to have the last word of the conversation and will make any other type of comment null and void with something that I had to say or think of. Sometimes I did wish to have a time to unload all of these emotions without appearing weak or helpless, but life doesn’t work in this fashion.
I guess it’s all just one huge complaint about how I’ve been living my life. It’s a huge excuse that I give myself when I’m down in the dumps, or know that I should have achieved something but didn’t. This is my cigarette. This is what I have to use every time in my head to give myself a breather and let myself know that “everything is okay and that I will be happy.” I knew that these thoughts would come back to haunt me and kill me, especially since I’ve been so “happy” while I was at college. I knew that I couldn’t just go ahead and change who I was, and that the past mistakes I’ve made will eventually appear over and over again in my life unless I wanted to change something about it. But just like the personality I wrote up in the top, I just kept it the same and let it “slide”. Something that I’m so used to. Just letting myself get by in life without trying to put in certain effort, or if I do, ensuring myself that I did my best, even though I clearly didn’t.
I don’t think I’ve come to the fact that my grandpa has passed away sometimes. I think about my grandparents thinking that I can treasure them and hold them on forever. That I take them for granted. I never even got to see him on his birthday since I was at school. I had missed the chance to tell him happy birthday since I was just busy drinking on a weekend. That I didn’t go visit my grandma or my grandpa during any of the breaks because it was too much of a hassle. I wasn’t able to cherish any of the time that I was given because I was “too good” or just “too busy”. I feel like shit knowing that I treated visiting them as a chore, rather than something out of love. Even when I think about visiting now, and how when I go to my grandma’s apartment, that I will be seeing both of them and just them showering me with love. However, it’s not like that anymore at all. My grandma has loved me for so long and I know that I am her favorite grandchild. She would sacrifice anything for me just to see me smile. And now I’m the one that has to return that to her. I think back to the day of my grandfather’s wake, and saw how strong my grandmother was during that time. How she was holding back her tears until it was the last time that we would ever be able to see him. How she wasn’t thinking of herself during that time, but she was thinking of all her grandkids in saying that none of us were able to get the chance to say good-bye to him and how “selfish” he was for leaving us in that fashion. My grandmother is such a strong person. And as I see her now, so frail and weak… as selfish as it sounds… can’t bear to imagine the day she will leave us as well.
It’s not only my dad’s side, but it is also my mom’s side as well. As the first child of my mother’s side, not was I only heavily babied, and pampered, but also hold certain responsibilities and obligations that I must fulfill. I can’t even imagine how devastated I would be if I lost one of them before I can show them the type of person that I can be and how much trust and love that they’ve shown me, was all for nothing. Even when they e-mail me now, I try to respond as soon as possible, and constantly tell them that I love them. Especially with my grandmother’s deteriorating health that she was plagued with in the past, and that my parents even tried to hide from me since I was at college… I just want to make them proud. I want to make all of my family proud. My grandfather in heaven, my grandmother, my grandfather and grandmother on my mom’s side, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my parents, my brothers. I want them to not give up on me and the expectations they have on me. Even though it’s difficult, I want to pursue. Even though I never asked for this, I want myself to be the best. Because if I’m not… then who is the one that has to clean up after me? There’s nobody. It’s all on me. I don’t have the option to fail now and if I fail, I’ll have to live with all of this guilt for the rest of my life.
I hate that I never let go. Even as a Christian, I know you’re supposed to forgive. I know you’re supposed to let go and let God. I can’t do it. I can’t let go of my feelings. I can’t let go of what people have done to me. I can’t let go of what I’ve done to other people. I can’t let go.
I guess it’s all just one huge complaint about how I’ve been living my life. It’s a huge excuse that I give myself when I’m down in the dumps, or know that I should have achieved something but didn’t. This is my cigarette. This is what I have to use every time in my head to give myself a breather and let myself know that “everything is okay and that I will be happy.” I knew that these thoughts would come back to haunt me and kill me, especially since I’ve been so “happy” while I was at college. I knew that I couldn’t just go ahead and change who I was, and that the past mistakes I’ve made will eventually appear over and over again in my life unless I wanted to change something about it. But just like the personality I wrote up in the top, I just kept it the same and let it “slide”. Something that I’m so used to. Just letting myself get by in life without trying to put in certain effort, or if I do, ensuring myself that I did my best, even though I clearly didn’t.
I don’t think I’ve come to the fact that my grandpa has passed away sometimes. I think about my grandparents thinking that I can treasure them and hold them on forever. That I take them for granted. I never even got to see him on his birthday since I was at school. I had missed the chance to tell him happy birthday since I was just busy drinking on a weekend. That I didn’t go visit my grandma or my grandpa during any of the breaks because it was too much of a hassle. I wasn’t able to cherish any of the time that I was given because I was “too good” or just “too busy”. I feel like shit knowing that I treated visiting them as a chore, rather than something out of love. Even when I think about visiting now, and how when I go to my grandma’s apartment, that I will be seeing both of them and just them showering me with love. However, it’s not like that anymore at all. My grandma has loved me for so long and I know that I am her favorite grandchild. She would sacrifice anything for me just to see me smile. And now I’m the one that has to return that to her. I think back to the day of my grandfather’s wake, and saw how strong my grandmother was during that time. How she was holding back her tears until it was the last time that we would ever be able to see him. How she wasn’t thinking of herself during that time, but she was thinking of all her grandkids in saying that none of us were able to get the chance to say good-bye to him and how “selfish” he was for leaving us in that fashion. My grandmother is such a strong person. And as I see her now, so frail and weak… as selfish as it sounds… can’t bear to imagine the day she will leave us as well.
It’s not only my dad’s side, but it is also my mom’s side as well. As the first child of my mother’s side, not was I only heavily babied, and pampered, but also hold certain responsibilities and obligations that I must fulfill. I can’t even imagine how devastated I would be if I lost one of them before I can show them the type of person that I can be and how much trust and love that they’ve shown me, was all for nothing. Even when they e-mail me now, I try to respond as soon as possible, and constantly tell them that I love them. Especially with my grandmother’s deteriorating health that she was plagued with in the past, and that my parents even tried to hide from me since I was at college… I just want to make them proud. I want to make all of my family proud. My grandfather in heaven, my grandmother, my grandfather and grandmother on my mom’s side, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my parents, my brothers. I want them to not give up on me and the expectations they have on me. Even though it’s difficult, I want to pursue. Even though I never asked for this, I want myself to be the best. Because if I’m not… then who is the one that has to clean up after me? There’s nobody. It’s all on me. I don’t have the option to fail now and if I fail, I’ll have to live with all of this guilt for the rest of my life.
I hate that I never let go. Even as a Christian, I know you’re supposed to forgive. I know you’re supposed to let go and let God. I can’t do it. I can’t let go of my feelings. I can’t let go of what people have done to me. I can’t let go of what I’ve done to other people. I can’t let go.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
All Thoughts. No Filter.
It’s been bothering me that I haven’t written anything in awhile… I guess I’ve been lazy and such… but I guess I have to change that since there are things that have been bothering me and keeping it all in isn’t smart. I already know what would happen if I explode… since I’ve already done it this past week to a random stranger while I was on vacation in Universal Studios… Poor person… I mean she was annoying because she was pushing and trying to shove me off the line… but I haven’t flipped out like that unless I’m really in the mood to fight with someone, which of course usually occurs when I’m intoxicated… so bursting out like this wasn’t normal for me while I was sober.
Anywho, I still can’t believe how fast time is going by. It’s amazing to me that I’m now a college junior… it only still feels like I was a middle schooler/high schooler… but the real world is coming at me quick and time isn’t looking back. Stepping into my old middle school and seeing my teachers when I went to my youngest brother’s middle school graduation… definitely felt weird. Seeing the expressions on my teachers and them telling me how old I was getting and how they were proud to see me going to an internship and attending Villanova really seemed strange since I never thought about college or what I’d be doing when I was 20 while I was still in middle school. To me those thoughts didn’t occur to me at all… and how naive and happy I was then.
Work… work is interesting. They’re making me do a lot more than what I did last year… it actually feels like I’m an actual employee since I actually get to view, analyze, and upload all of the market data. It’s a lot more work, but it is much more interesting compared to the spread sheets that I had to analyze and create last year. I guess that’s a perk of being a returning intern… since I know the system and they know me and my working habits… they’ll assign me legit work to do. It’s fun… yet a little scary since I know the work that I actually do… will affect the company and multiple other companies and trades in the business world so if I fuck up… I’m in royal shit. It’s difficult though because I’m not used to waking up this early to commute and work late and arrive home late… but I guess this is what real life is going to be so I better get used to it. Scary… to think in about 3-4 years I’ll be living on my own in my own apartment without the comfort of home and parents. Yeah it’ll be a blessing, but everything just seems easier when I’m at home… even though when my parents nag it gets on my nerves… they’re still looking out for me, so it’s not like it’s a huge problem.
School… I really have to do well in the next two years. This is legit the crunch time that my dad has talked about to me over the past years. I’ve goofed off too much my freshman and sophomore year… and it really shows in my grades. I’ve really come complacent also with just getting a B, B-… I guess it’s because I’ve always had a tendency to let everything just “slide by” so I could just take the easy way out. Seriously, I can’t let that happen… because my GPA is definitely suffering… and with this job market out there… I really can’t fuck up or else I will truly be fucked up. I already know a decent amount of people having difficulty because of the situations that they might be in, so I can’t take my situation for granted… so let’s push on and truly do my best.
Music… what can I say about music. I love all different types of music it’s actually really strange. I can appreciate classical music and all of the different variations of skills it takes to play. It’s amazing what a skilled person can do with such simple things… It’s actually fascinating. Listening to house/electronic music, Korean music, different variations of rock, classical, pop… it’s interesting how there are certain forms and structures that they all follow because it just “sounds good” and it’s how the world perceives it as “good music”. It all stems down from something, which is amazing to hear when you can find it.
Friends… I miss my Villanova friends… I miss some of my school friends… and I miss a lot of my church friends. I’ve drifted away a lot from my school and church friends, but it can’t be helped. My school friends and I have differed once we entered high school in the first place… and it definitely shows because of where they are now and where I am now… no offense to any of them, but some have dropped out of school, some have failed some courses… but it’s not like I’m saying I expected them to do this, but I definitely could have seen it coming and it’s bad that it’s not surprising to me in any way. Church friends… well distance always keeps us apart, and the summer isn’t quite long enough to catch up and see all the changes we’ve made in our livestyles because of college. It’s not a bad thing, but we are all growing in different ways and adjusting our lives to our lives back at our “home” in our schools so it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just sad that what we had for 4-6 years is somewhat gone and is just a distant memory now. But what can you do… that’s life. School friends… honestly I never thought I’d miss some of you, but I really got a decent crew back at Villanova. It’s weird because when I go to church they think of Andy, DH, Chris Doh, and D-Chung… but that’s not the crew that I originally think of when I think of my “crew” back at Nova. It’s Rich, D-Pang, AnKang that springs into my head. Those motherfuckers… we’ve been drinking together for too long… and I guess I miss our weird, strange, conversations while we’re drinking, and how sad/funny our drinking experiences could be at some times. Can’t wait to see you in two months.
Another topic I guess that came into my mind since I’ve drifted to the Nova crew… is girls. How many times we’ve talked about this… and it’s sad. Nova is a desert and all we can find are the scorpions or abysses that appear out of nowhere. It’s frustrating because I definitely should be looking for the future… and I shouldn’t really be rushing into anything, but damn how bad can our school get sometimes. Maybe my standards are too high at times, but I dunno… I still haven’t found that person at my school yet. And there’s always something lingering because my thoughts always lead me back to someone at times anyway. That’s always not a good thing because at times I just lay awake at night… thinking sometimes that I should have the courage to just say it because at times it was obvious… blatantly obvious, but I’m always such a coward because of the fear and repercussions that it potentially has. Especially because of a certain memory in the past, I’m definitely not ready for a situation like that to occur especially with such a close friend, but seriously, if those thoughts never leave, then what am I supposed to do? It’s not like I could move on completely until someone else can captivate me like that right? I guess it’s going to always be a problem until I have full closure so I have to figure out an answer quick.
Mundane. I’ve always feared this… that everything has become stale and mundane. For some reason it’s not like this in college… even though we do the same routine, have almost the same conversations every time we drink together, or play the same games and all of that bullshit. However, when I enter home… everything just becomes mundane. The people, the events, the things that I do… especially with a work routine that consists of waking up, eating, commuting, working, commuting, working out, and sleeping… which is pretty boring and without any spark it gets harder to wake up the next day… knowing that everyday is going to be the SAME exact day as yesterday. It’s no wonder why some people go crazy and do some fucked up shit in the world… I wouldn’t be surprised. I always knew that the most normal and mundane people could do the most fucked up shit anyway.
Honestly, I have no idea where I’m going in this post. It’s a bunch of sporadic thoughts that have been within in my head ever since I’ve been in school and come back from school so obviously they’re a little important if they’ve been plaguing my mind like so… or maybe it’s just that I’ve become so brain dead that these are the only “original” thoughts I could have left. For now, who knows, who cares… I have to sleep to wake up for work tomorrow.
Anywho, I still can’t believe how fast time is going by. It’s amazing to me that I’m now a college junior… it only still feels like I was a middle schooler/high schooler… but the real world is coming at me quick and time isn’t looking back. Stepping into my old middle school and seeing my teachers when I went to my youngest brother’s middle school graduation… definitely felt weird. Seeing the expressions on my teachers and them telling me how old I was getting and how they were proud to see me going to an internship and attending Villanova really seemed strange since I never thought about college or what I’d be doing when I was 20 while I was still in middle school. To me those thoughts didn’t occur to me at all… and how naive and happy I was then.
Work… work is interesting. They’re making me do a lot more than what I did last year… it actually feels like I’m an actual employee since I actually get to view, analyze, and upload all of the market data. It’s a lot more work, but it is much more interesting compared to the spread sheets that I had to analyze and create last year. I guess that’s a perk of being a returning intern… since I know the system and they know me and my working habits… they’ll assign me legit work to do. It’s fun… yet a little scary since I know the work that I actually do… will affect the company and multiple other companies and trades in the business world so if I fuck up… I’m in royal shit. It’s difficult though because I’m not used to waking up this early to commute and work late and arrive home late… but I guess this is what real life is going to be so I better get used to it. Scary… to think in about 3-4 years I’ll be living on my own in my own apartment without the comfort of home and parents. Yeah it’ll be a blessing, but everything just seems easier when I’m at home… even though when my parents nag it gets on my nerves… they’re still looking out for me, so it’s not like it’s a huge problem.
School… I really have to do well in the next two years. This is legit the crunch time that my dad has talked about to me over the past years. I’ve goofed off too much my freshman and sophomore year… and it really shows in my grades. I’ve really come complacent also with just getting a B, B-… I guess it’s because I’ve always had a tendency to let everything just “slide by” so I could just take the easy way out. Seriously, I can’t let that happen… because my GPA is definitely suffering… and with this job market out there… I really can’t fuck up or else I will truly be fucked up. I already know a decent amount of people having difficulty because of the situations that they might be in, so I can’t take my situation for granted… so let’s push on and truly do my best.
Music… what can I say about music. I love all different types of music it’s actually really strange. I can appreciate classical music and all of the different variations of skills it takes to play. It’s amazing what a skilled person can do with such simple things… It’s actually fascinating. Listening to house/electronic music, Korean music, different variations of rock, classical, pop… it’s interesting how there are certain forms and structures that they all follow because it just “sounds good” and it’s how the world perceives it as “good music”. It all stems down from something, which is amazing to hear when you can find it.
Friends… I miss my Villanova friends… I miss some of my school friends… and I miss a lot of my church friends. I’ve drifted away a lot from my school and church friends, but it can’t be helped. My school friends and I have differed once we entered high school in the first place… and it definitely shows because of where they are now and where I am now… no offense to any of them, but some have dropped out of school, some have failed some courses… but it’s not like I’m saying I expected them to do this, but I definitely could have seen it coming and it’s bad that it’s not surprising to me in any way. Church friends… well distance always keeps us apart, and the summer isn’t quite long enough to catch up and see all the changes we’ve made in our livestyles because of college. It’s not a bad thing, but we are all growing in different ways and adjusting our lives to our lives back at our “home” in our schools so it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just sad that what we had for 4-6 years is somewhat gone and is just a distant memory now. But what can you do… that’s life. School friends… honestly I never thought I’d miss some of you, but I really got a decent crew back at Villanova. It’s weird because when I go to church they think of Andy, DH, Chris Doh, and D-Chung… but that’s not the crew that I originally think of when I think of my “crew” back at Nova. It’s Rich, D-Pang, AnKang that springs into my head. Those motherfuckers… we’ve been drinking together for too long… and I guess I miss our weird, strange, conversations while we’re drinking, and how sad/funny our drinking experiences could be at some times. Can’t wait to see you in two months.
Another topic I guess that came into my mind since I’ve drifted to the Nova crew… is girls. How many times we’ve talked about this… and it’s sad. Nova is a desert and all we can find are the scorpions or abysses that appear out of nowhere. It’s frustrating because I definitely should be looking for the future… and I shouldn’t really be rushing into anything, but damn how bad can our school get sometimes. Maybe my standards are too high at times, but I dunno… I still haven’t found that person at my school yet. And there’s always something lingering because my thoughts always lead me back to someone at times anyway. That’s always not a good thing because at times I just lay awake at night… thinking sometimes that I should have the courage to just say it because at times it was obvious… blatantly obvious, but I’m always such a coward because of the fear and repercussions that it potentially has. Especially because of a certain memory in the past, I’m definitely not ready for a situation like that to occur especially with such a close friend, but seriously, if those thoughts never leave, then what am I supposed to do? It’s not like I could move on completely until someone else can captivate me like that right? I guess it’s going to always be a problem until I have full closure so I have to figure out an answer quick.
Mundane. I’ve always feared this… that everything has become stale and mundane. For some reason it’s not like this in college… even though we do the same routine, have almost the same conversations every time we drink together, or play the same games and all of that bullshit. However, when I enter home… everything just becomes mundane. The people, the events, the things that I do… especially with a work routine that consists of waking up, eating, commuting, working, commuting, working out, and sleeping… which is pretty boring and without any spark it gets harder to wake up the next day… knowing that everyday is going to be the SAME exact day as yesterday. It’s no wonder why some people go crazy and do some fucked up shit in the world… I wouldn’t be surprised. I always knew that the most normal and mundane people could do the most fucked up shit anyway.
Honestly, I have no idea where I’m going in this post. It’s a bunch of sporadic thoughts that have been within in my head ever since I’ve been in school and come back from school so obviously they’re a little important if they’ve been plaguing my mind like so… or maybe it’s just that I’ve become so brain dead that these are the only “original” thoughts I could have left. For now, who knows, who cares… I have to sleep to wake up for work tomorrow.
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Drunk Tank.
Everyone has a facade. It’s only when you uncover what’s truly under it you can find their true nature, beliefs, and thought. As the cliche says, never judge a book by it’s cover, but how is that possible in a world that is so quick to judge. I mean I never did like people, and still don’t like people much, but I guess we should try and give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes… depending on the look of their eyes. The eyes say everything and give everything away.
This world is full of people that will use and abuse you. We never want to admit it, but friendship can only go so far. When it comes down to blood or even sometimes the green, things will be destroyed. Especially when it comes down to business, things won’t be the same and just because we were best friends during a time means you have more privileges than anyone else that I’ve ever met. It’s going to be about business and if you suck at your job and fuck me over, then what will friendship mean by then? One of you will say that you fired me and you were an asshole, while the other will say you fucked up the business and suck at your job. Trust can only go so far.
The amount of toxins I put into my system is not healthy, but I’ve stopped caring. I’ve gone back to my old habits of a pack a day… but to be honest it’s not because I’m a huge smoker, but it’s because I really don’t have anything else to put in my time. When I smoke, I’m able to think about my life and process everything that’s going around in my head. I vent out my anger with cigarettes and alcohol because I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on in my life because that’s the type of person I am. I’ve stopped caring because I know there’s so much more going on in the world than just a small insignificant speck of dust like me.
This year has to be the year that things start shaping up for me. Not only do I choose my major after the end of this semester, but after the royal fuck ups I committed all last year… especially last semester, I know that I have to change. My mindset of school needs to change, and I believe that my time at Reval this summer definitely showed me that I was somehow going down the right path, but I just have to fine tune it a little more to become more focused with what I want to do and not just try to get by constantly. Getting by should not be on the top of my list, but somehow fully achieving all my goals should be put up on top.
Dream high because to be honest, you’ll never reach the goal if you don’t. I always tell myself not to quit, but life becomes difficult and somehow you want to take the easy way out. You have to mentally train and physically train yourself in order to achieve the goals that you want. Break it up piece by piece and work towards it everyday. Keep it in your mind, write it down physically somewhere, or do something that will make sure your goal is constantly etched into your head somehow. It’s only when you give yourself that pure dedication, heart, mind, and soul that you will be able to have a glimpse of what your goal is. But always make sure, that it’s for the right intentions, or you’ll only be going backwards.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m content with myself, but somehow I always long for something to make myself feel accomplished or satisfied with myself. I guess I’m not as cocky or as confident as I make myself appear to be, but that’s my own battle that I have to constantly fight with. I’m weak, but I’ve stopped caring a lot about that bull shit. My mind knows where to go so I will constantly be traveling along this road cutting people out of my life that are holding me back or fucking me over, while bringing others that I enjoy along for the ride. We’ll only see how far this goes, but I think I have a decent picture of what I want to do in the future, so let’s go and dream high.
This world is full of people that will use and abuse you. We never want to admit it, but friendship can only go so far. When it comes down to blood or even sometimes the green, things will be destroyed. Especially when it comes down to business, things won’t be the same and just because we were best friends during a time means you have more privileges than anyone else that I’ve ever met. It’s going to be about business and if you suck at your job and fuck me over, then what will friendship mean by then? One of you will say that you fired me and you were an asshole, while the other will say you fucked up the business and suck at your job. Trust can only go so far.
The amount of toxins I put into my system is not healthy, but I’ve stopped caring. I’ve gone back to my old habits of a pack a day… but to be honest it’s not because I’m a huge smoker, but it’s because I really don’t have anything else to put in my time. When I smoke, I’m able to think about my life and process everything that’s going around in my head. I vent out my anger with cigarettes and alcohol because I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on in my life because that’s the type of person I am. I’ve stopped caring because I know there’s so much more going on in the world than just a small insignificant speck of dust like me.
This year has to be the year that things start shaping up for me. Not only do I choose my major after the end of this semester, but after the royal fuck ups I committed all last year… especially last semester, I know that I have to change. My mindset of school needs to change, and I believe that my time at Reval this summer definitely showed me that I was somehow going down the right path, but I just have to fine tune it a little more to become more focused with what I want to do and not just try to get by constantly. Getting by should not be on the top of my list, but somehow fully achieving all my goals should be put up on top.
Dream high because to be honest, you’ll never reach the goal if you don’t. I always tell myself not to quit, but life becomes difficult and somehow you want to take the easy way out. You have to mentally train and physically train yourself in order to achieve the goals that you want. Break it up piece by piece and work towards it everyday. Keep it in your mind, write it down physically somewhere, or do something that will make sure your goal is constantly etched into your head somehow. It’s only when you give yourself that pure dedication, heart, mind, and soul that you will be able to have a glimpse of what your goal is. But always make sure, that it’s for the right intentions, or you’ll only be going backwards.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m content with myself, but somehow I always long for something to make myself feel accomplished or satisfied with myself. I guess I’m not as cocky or as confident as I make myself appear to be, but that’s my own battle that I have to constantly fight with. I’m weak, but I’ve stopped caring a lot about that bull shit. My mind knows where to go so I will constantly be traveling along this road cutting people out of my life that are holding me back or fucking me over, while bringing others that I enjoy along for the ride. We’ll only see how far this goes, but I think I have a decent picture of what I want to do in the future, so let’s go and dream high.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Random Thoughts.
I haven’t been able to think at all in awhile. Seriously my mind has been fried… with a lot of bull shit that shouldn’t be weighing me down and the stuff that is important just phases through me. I should definitely be studying harder this semester, but I think I put a lot of things on the back burner. When finals come around I’m definitely gonna be fucked if I don’t pull my weight into this thing. I can’t always have the same mentality in trying to “pass by” and just think that everything will work out in the end… cause seriously without some effort none of it will ever work out.
I guess that’s something that I have to do in every portion of my life. Definitely put some effort into everything instead of being lazy and trying to make things work out by itself. Things in life don’t come out that easy… so hopefully I’ll improve in that aspect of life by just… trying harder and working harder. Strive for perfection I guess in some way, but we’ll see how far along that mindset goes…
Also I have no idea what I’m doing this summer. Yes I could probably get a job at my uncle’s place, but is that where I want to go. That’s kinda my fallback if I can’t find anything else. I’m a bit bummed that the bank I was supposed to be able to intern at was not accepting any positions this year because of their budget cuts, but such is life in the business world. Money is the green that propels the world to do what it has to do to revolve around the green. You need the green to go green, you need the green to smoke green, you need green everywhere to live. It won’t necessarily buy you happiness, but it’ll make the road getting there much easier.
I can’t believe that in just a few weeks I’ll be finishing up my first year of college. A shocker. Things have gone by so quickly… I still don’t think I had enough time to just soak it in and just tell myself that I’m on my own now and this is when I have to take full responsibilities for every action I take. I mean… I’m an adult so I gotta act like one instead of always having my 12 (maybe less) year-old mindset that I’m so gung-ho about having around my friends. Yeah it’s fun for a very long time, but I guess things get old and stale after awhile.
I guess what scares me is the future of what I have to do in school. I know from here on out it’s only going to get harder as I choose my major by the time fall semester ends. I actually have no idea what the hell I want to do in business, but I guess I’ll just stick to numbers somehow… since I’m decently good with them… but Micro/Macroeconomics have me thinking otherwise. I really don’t like those classes… but maybe it’s because I’m just forcing myself not to pay attention and not give a rats ass about it… maybe I should try to actually listen for once. I guess it’s too late for that now, but next year in Finance Management and Reporting… it’s going to be more important than ever to be on top of my game… especially if I’m going to pursue a career in either Finance or Accounting.
I am happy about a lot of things though. I’m happy I got a good group of core friends at Nova to just chill and bum with. I’m happy that I’m home and… just studying actually instead of going ape-shit. Definitely studying more here since… I’m not gaming that hard. Even if my mom isn’t on my case, I’m actually doing work so that’s a step up from usual. I’m happy that Rich Nahm is coming back next year cause… shit’s gonna be awesome with him around again at Nova. I’m happy that I’m not going bat-shit crazy about liking people in college like I did in high school. Definitely an interesting circumstance now… but we’ll see how it plays out… I guess. I’m happy I’m listening to more and more music everyday… but this music thing is definitely going to take a toll on my iPod… considering I only have about 2 gigs left in that thing.
I guess all in all I didn’t know what to say in this thing, but it just feels good typing and writing it out. These next two weeks are gonna be crunch time… but I guess if I keep my mindset in this manner… it won’t be too bad
I guess that’s something that I have to do in every portion of my life. Definitely put some effort into everything instead of being lazy and trying to make things work out by itself. Things in life don’t come out that easy… so hopefully I’ll improve in that aspect of life by just… trying harder and working harder. Strive for perfection I guess in some way, but we’ll see how far along that mindset goes…
Also I have no idea what I’m doing this summer. Yes I could probably get a job at my uncle’s place, but is that where I want to go. That’s kinda my fallback if I can’t find anything else. I’m a bit bummed that the bank I was supposed to be able to intern at was not accepting any positions this year because of their budget cuts, but such is life in the business world. Money is the green that propels the world to do what it has to do to revolve around the green. You need the green to go green, you need the green to smoke green, you need green everywhere to live. It won’t necessarily buy you happiness, but it’ll make the road getting there much easier.
I can’t believe that in just a few weeks I’ll be finishing up my first year of college. A shocker. Things have gone by so quickly… I still don’t think I had enough time to just soak it in and just tell myself that I’m on my own now and this is when I have to take full responsibilities for every action I take. I mean… I’m an adult so I gotta act like one instead of always having my 12 (maybe less) year-old mindset that I’m so gung-ho about having around my friends. Yeah it’s fun for a very long time, but I guess things get old and stale after awhile.
I guess what scares me is the future of what I have to do in school. I know from here on out it’s only going to get harder as I choose my major by the time fall semester ends. I actually have no idea what the hell I want to do in business, but I guess I’ll just stick to numbers somehow… since I’m decently good with them… but Micro/Macroeconomics have me thinking otherwise. I really don’t like those classes… but maybe it’s because I’m just forcing myself not to pay attention and not give a rats ass about it… maybe I should try to actually listen for once. I guess it’s too late for that now, but next year in Finance Management and Reporting… it’s going to be more important than ever to be on top of my game… especially if I’m going to pursue a career in either Finance or Accounting.
I am happy about a lot of things though. I’m happy I got a good group of core friends at Nova to just chill and bum with. I’m happy that I’m home and… just studying actually instead of going ape-shit. Definitely studying more here since… I’m not gaming that hard. Even if my mom isn’t on my case, I’m actually doing work so that’s a step up from usual. I’m happy that Rich Nahm is coming back next year cause… shit’s gonna be awesome with him around again at Nova. I’m happy that I’m not going bat-shit crazy about liking people in college like I did in high school. Definitely an interesting circumstance now… but we’ll see how it plays out… I guess. I’m happy I’m listening to more and more music everyday… but this music thing is definitely going to take a toll on my iPod… considering I only have about 2 gigs left in that thing.
I guess all in all I didn’t know what to say in this thing, but it just feels good typing and writing it out. These next two weeks are gonna be crunch time… but I guess if I keep my mindset in this manner… it won’t be too bad
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Spring Break Post.
For me, at least, break is a time where I’m allowed to reflect about what the fuck I’m doing in the semester. This semester I think was a pretty interesting one. My first class is 10:30 now and my Mondays and Wednesdays are still packed. It’s all good though because now I only have 2 classes on Friday and still only 1 class on Thursday. Definitely learned that I’m not a morning person and I can’t wake up for my classes (22 missed classes at 8:30 in the morning last semester. I’m surprised I didn’t fail and got a B in that class). But yeah, this semester I’ve been going to my classes pretty consistently. I’ve missed a few classes here and there, but nothing to the extremes.
So what’s new this semester. Is it just the same old shit from last semester? Pretty much, it’s been like that… which hasn’t been too exciting. I mean everything is more comfortable now. The friends are set, the setting is set, and you basically have everything in the reach of your hands. Nothing is unusual or unnerving, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not a good thing either. Life is too simple and plain. With nothing new in the palm of your hands, you’re just stuck in such a monochromatic lifestyle.
I go to class, I get back from class, I bum out with friends, I play video games, I start homework, I play HoN, I go to the gym, and I eat the same damn shit.
On Fridays, think of what to do this weekend. Drink, go to Andy’s house to drink, bum around, play games, play sports (when the weather gets better)… seriously. Nothing to do. It’s not bothersome since we always find something to do, but damn, it shouldn’t be this tedious to try and figure out something to do. And I think that’s when I know something is really wrong.
I guess it is my fault though. I’m not involved in anything, but damn, the same mundane things everyday. And I’m so complacent about it. It doesn’t bother me at all, but we’ll see what happens next year. I mean, at least this semester I’m actually attempting to study and do all of my work, unlike last semester. So there has been progression instead of a downward spiral… but it’s crazy to think that in two months my first year of college has already gone by. It’s definitely gonna past by real quick so lets make these next two months something meaningful before my sophomore year.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Years Resolution.
One New Years Resolution I want to keep… is not to be so detached from the world. Looking back into the past decade, I have no idea what’s going on… but I know that it’s laid some great framework for the next years to come. Instead of being so detached from everything, I want to try to do something… especially since we have the power to make ideas and read about ideas with just clicks of a button. This next decade is a crucial one, since it’ll be containing my college years, so let’s make them count. I found some good music for the past few years, but let’s expand that horizon, let’s get into some different arts, stop playing so many videogames… (dunno if that one is possible), and make some great fucking friends. Let’s start doing something with our time, because right now, we’re the living, and we have so much power to do anything… we just don’t recognize it yet. Let’s soak ourselves in knowledge, so we can do something powerful in the years to come.
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