The Drunk Tank.

Everyone has a facade.  It’s only when you uncover what’s truly under it you can find their true nature, beliefs, and thought.  As the cliche says, never judge a book by it’s cover, but how is that possible in a world that is so quick to judge.  I mean I never did like people, and still don’t like people much, but I guess we should try and give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes… depending on the look of their eyes.  The eyes say everything and give everything away.

This world is full of people that will use and abuse you.  We never want to admit it, but friendship can only go so far.  When it comes down to blood or even sometimes the green, things will be destroyed.  Especially when it comes down to business, things won’t be the same and just because we were best friends during a time means you have more privileges than anyone else that I’ve ever met.  It’s going to be about business and if you suck at your job and fuck me over, then what will friendship mean by then?  One of you will say that you fired me and you were an asshole, while the other will say you fucked up the business and suck at your job.  Trust can only go so far.

The amount of toxins I put into my system is not healthy, but I’ve stopped caring.  I’ve gone back to my old habits of a pack a day… but to be honest it’s not because I’m a huge smoker, but it’s because I really don’t have anything else to put in my time.  When I smoke, I’m able to think about my life and process everything that’s going around in my head.  I vent out my anger with cigarettes and alcohol because I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on in my life because that’s the type of person I am.  I’ve stopped caring because I know there’s so much more going on in the world than just a small insignificant speck of dust like me.

This year has to be the year that things start shaping up for me.  Not only do I choose my major after the end of this semester, but after the royal fuck ups I committed all last year… especially last semester, I know that I have to change.  My mindset of school needs to change, and I believe that my time at Reval this summer definitely showed me that I was somehow going down the right path, but I just have to fine tune it a little more to become more focused with what I want to do and not just try to get by constantly.  Getting by should not be on the top of my list, but somehow fully achieving all my goals should be put up on top.

Dream high because to be honest, you’ll never reach the goal if you don’t.  I always tell myself not to quit, but life becomes difficult and somehow you want to take the easy way out.  You have to mentally train and physically train yourself in order to achieve the goals that you want.  Break it up piece by piece and work towards it everyday.  Keep it in your mind, write it down physically somewhere, or do something that will make sure your goal is constantly etched into your head somehow.  It’s only when you give yourself that pure dedication, heart, mind, and soul that you will be able to have a glimpse of what your goal is.  But always make sure, that it’s for the right intentions, or you’ll only be going backwards.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m content with myself, but somehow I always long for something to make myself feel accomplished or satisfied with myself.  I guess I’m not as cocky or as confident as I make myself appear to be, but that’s my own battle that I have to constantly fight with.  I’m weak, but I’ve stopped caring a lot about that bull shit.  My mind knows where to go so I will constantly be traveling along this road cutting people out of my life that are holding me back or fucking me over, while bringing others that I enjoy along for the ride.  We’ll only see how far this goes, but I think I have a decent picture of what I want to do in the future, so let’s go and dream high.

Random Thoughts.

I haven’t been able to think at all in awhile.  Seriously my mind has been fried… with a lot of bull shit that shouldn’t be weighing me down and the stuff that is important just phases through me.  I should definitely be studying harder this semester, but I think I put a lot of things on the back burner.  When finals come around I’m definitely gonna be fucked if I don’t pull my weight into this thing.  I can’t always have the same mentality in trying to “pass by” and just think that everything will work out in the end… cause seriously without some effort none of it will ever work out.

I guess that’s something that I have to do in every portion of my life.  Definitely put some effort into everything instead of being lazy and trying to make things work out by itself.  Things in life don’t come out that easy… so hopefully I’ll improve in that aspect of life by just… trying harder and working harder.  Strive for perfection I guess in some way, but we’ll see how far along that mindset goes…

Also I have no idea what I’m doing this summer.  Yes I could probably get a job at my uncle’s place, but is that where I want to go.  That’s kinda my fallback if I can’t find anything else.  I’m a bit bummed that the bank I was supposed to be able to intern at was not accepting any positions this year because of their budget cuts, but such is life in the business world.  Money is the green that propels the world to do what it has to do to revolve around the green.  You need the green to go green, you need the green to smoke green, you need green everywhere to live.  It won’t necessarily buy you happiness, but it’ll make the road getting there much easier.

I can’t believe that in just a few weeks I’ll be finishing up my first year of college.  A shocker.  Things have gone by so quickly… I still don’t think I had enough time to just soak it in and just tell myself that I’m on my own now and this is when I have to take full responsibilities for every action I take.  I mean… I’m an adult so I gotta act like one instead of always having my 12 (maybe less) year-old mindset that I’m so gung-ho about having around my friends.  Yeah it’s fun for a very long time, but I guess things get old and stale after awhile.

I guess what scares me is the future of what I have to do in school.  I know from here on out it’s only going to get harder as I choose my major by the time fall semester ends.  I actually have no idea what the hell I want to do in business, but I guess I’ll just stick to numbers somehow… since I’m decently good with them… but Micro/Macroeconomics have me thinking otherwise.  I really don’t like those classes… but maybe it’s because I’m just forcing myself not to pay attention and not give a rats ass about it… maybe I should try to actually listen for once.  I guess it’s too late for that now, but next year in Finance Management and Reporting… it’s going to be more important than ever to be on top of my game… especially if I’m going to pursue a career in either Finance or Accounting.

I am happy about a lot of things though.  I’m happy I got a good group of core friends at Nova to just chill and bum with.  I’m happy that I’m home and… just studying actually instead of going ape-shit.  Definitely studying more here since… I’m not gaming that hard.  Even if my mom isn’t on my case, I’m actually doing work so that’s a step up from usual.  I’m happy that Rich Nahm is coming back next year cause… shit’s gonna be awesome with him around again at Nova.  I’m happy that I’m not going bat-shit crazy about liking people in college like I did in high school.  Definitely an interesting circumstance now… but we’ll see how it plays out… I guess.  I’m happy I’m listening to more and more music everyday… but this music thing is definitely going to take a toll on my iPod… considering I only have about 2 gigs left in that thing.

I guess all in all I didn’t know what to say in this thing, but it just feels good typing and writing it out.  These next two weeks are gonna be crunch time… but I guess if I keep my mindset in this manner… it won’t be too bad

The Spring Break Post.

For me, at least, break is a time where I’m allowed to reflect about what the fuck I’m doing in the semester.  This semester I think was a pretty interesting one.  My first class is 10:30 now and my Mondays and Wednesdays are still packed.  It’s all good though because now I only have 2 classes on Friday and still only 1 class on Thursday.  Definitely learned that I’m not a morning person and I can’t wake up for my classes (22 missed classes at 8:30 in the morning last semester.  I’m surprised I didn’t fail and got a B in that class).  But yeah, this semester I’ve been going to my classes pretty consistently.  I’ve missed a few classes here and there, but nothing to the extremes.

So what’s new this semester.  Is it just the same old shit from last semester?  Pretty much, it’s been like that… which hasn’t been too exciting.  I mean everything is more comfortable now.  The friends are set, the setting is set, and you basically have everything in the reach of your hands.  Nothing is unusual or unnerving, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not a good thing either.  Life is too simple and plain.  With nothing new in the palm of your hands, you’re just stuck in such a monochromatic lifestyle.

I go to class, I get back from class, I bum out with friends, I play video games, I start homework, I play HoN, I go to the gym, and I eat the same damn shit.

On Fridays, think of what to do this weekend.  Drink, go to Andy’s house to drink, bum around, play games, play sports (when the weather gets better)… seriously.  Nothing to do.  It’s not bothersome since we always find something to do, but damn, it shouldn’t be this tedious to try and figure out something to do.  And I think that’s when I know something is really wrong.

I guess it is my fault though.  I’m not involved in anything, but damn, the same mundane things everyday.  And I’m so complacent about it.  It doesn’t bother me at all, but we’ll see what happens next year.  I mean, at least this semester I’m actually attempting to study and do all of my work, unlike last semester.  So there has been progression instead of a downward spiral… but it’s crazy to think that in two months my first year of college has already gone by.  It’s definitely gonna past by real quick so lets make these next two months something meaningful before my sophomore year.

New Years Resolution.

One New Years Resolution I want to keep… is not to be so detached from the world. Looking back into the past decade, I have no idea what’s going on… but I know that it’s laid some great framework for the next years to come. Instead of being so detached from everything, I want to try to do something… especially since we have the power to make ideas and read about ideas with just clicks of a button. This next decade is a crucial one, since it’ll be containing my college years, so let’s make them count. I found some good music for the past few years, but let’s expand that horizon, let’s get into some different arts, stop playing so many videogames… (dunno if that one is possible), and make some great fucking friends. Let’s start doing something with our time, because right now, we’re the living, and we have so much power to do anything… we just don’t recognize it yet. Let’s soak ourselves in knowledge, so we can do something powerful in the years to come.

A Semi Look Back.

I guess this fits since it’s almost the end of the year and the beginning of the new one.  Not only that, but it’s also the end of the semester and the beginning of a new one… so hopefully I’ll have some good insight going into the next year.

I guess the transition from high school into college wasn’t a big one.  For some reason it didn’t feel that big… and still doesn’t feel that big.  I guess… I just don’t feel the big change that much, but it definitely should hit me harder.  I mean 1/8 of my college years have already passed… and I definitely didn’t do as well as I should have.  I mean I keep blaming it on the fact I had classes I didn’t want and shit like that, but I definitely should get my act together for the next semester and kick some fucking ass.  2 B-s, 1 B, and 2 B+s… definitely not the grades that I want… so let’s step it up.

Then there’s people.  Yeah you learn a lot about people going into college.  Who’s got your back, who doesn’t.  Who you get closer to, and who you grow apart from.  The interesting thing about people is that they’re unpredictable.  It makes it all the more fun learning about them and seeing who they really are.  The most unexpected people can become your closest friends, and the ones that you thought, could become something you’ve never thought.

The Nova Nation has brought me closer to interesting people.  Definitely the crowd I thought I’d be in, but definitely want to expand upon that next year.  I got my core friends down… so now time to expand out and maybe chill with some other people.  I got my pothead/druggie/smoker friends & my Asian bros… which are who all I really chill with, but let’s see if we could expand this circle.

Church is a biggie for college.  Gotta shape up and do my part.  So lazy though… but that shouldn’t be a factor.  Gotta stop being lukewarm and start being back to the person I’ve been… or at least close to that.  It’s true, it’s harder for the leaders to get back especially because of the “drop” that you feel, but I gotta suck it up and just accept it.

Also with a look back, we look back at bad habits and good habits that I’ve had.  Mostly the bad ones… cause I feel like that’s all I’ve had.  Gotta stop with the impulsive buying, but I think I’m done with that now… and gotta fix my sleeping schedule.  My sleeping schedule has become so bad that I’ve been waking up at 2 or 3 every morning… while sleeping at 11 or 12.  Then staying up until about 3 in the afternoon and passing out till 6… then repeating that cycle all over again.  Probably will get worse when I get back into college, but we’ll see.  Gotta start hitting the gym again once I go back cause I’m real out of shape.  I started running and doing the usual routine at home so hopefully I could keep that up again.

Also I’m fixing another bad habit.  2 weeks strong and I got asked to smoke today, but I declined.  I still have been toking up though… but mostly to try and go to sleep.

Thoughts On The Train.

As I go back home… All I’m doing is thinking. I love going home because everything is calmer… And I do miss my family. Of course, I never show it, but my appreciation for my parents, the love for my parents and my brothers, and just seeing everyone… It makes me really happy. It’s weird being the first one to graduate and go to college on my mom’s side. I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on my shoulders to be the best example not only to my brothers, but also to all my younger cousins… Especially the oldest ones, my brother and my two cousins… who are now all in high school. Thanksgiving is going to be real fun. I haven’t seen any of them… And I know I’m going to be asked a lot of questions by my family about how college is and how I’ve been doing. To be honest though, I have no idea how I’m going to answer this. Time management for me is terrible… And therefore all my work just piles up on me. But it’s not that hard yet, but I know it’ll only get harder from here. It’s going to be an interesting journey. Not only that, but the environment at school changed radically also. Because of prior events… Things have changed. I mean it’s not bad, I could care less, but I know this next semester is going to be an interesting one. Once Tyler gets better, it’s going to be an interesting journey. The crew only started, and now we know… Who’s in and who’s out. It’s gonna be fun drinking with these guys again. I only hope next semester gets better… And hopefully I’ll miss almost no classes. I’m not a morning person at all and could barely wake up… So I hope the change to afternoon classes will be a good one. I could only hope I change my pattern… But for now I’ll just make due of what I am now. Anyway. I’m Jersey bound. While I’m there… Nothing but myself stands in the way. Let’s be happy.

I Am A Fuck Up.

It’s way too early in the morning… 417 to be exact. I’ve fucked around and fucked up too many times in my life.

In high school I’ve always tried to slide by and just pass everything. I’ve always thought my mindset would change once I got to college… But how can you change a habit you’re so used to. Even with smoking. I mean, yeah I cut down, but I still need it when I get mad depressed or start thinking a shit ton about life and crap. It’s bad… Yeah I recognize it, but still… There’s no change. But yeah, I cut down… And I still plan to quit sometime soon.

As Rich and I talked about… There’s no room for fucking up in college. We’ve wasted so much time… I mean 1/8 of our college life is almost over… Like holy shit. That doesn’t really click in my head that well… But it’s still the reality. I really need that swift kick in the ass telling me… Time isn’t slowing down for you so make the best of it. Even talking with Min on Saturday (Sunday morning) after I came back from drinking… I’ve recognized so much of my time here at Nova has been fun and games… Not even, just fucking around and constantly doing stupid shit. It hasn’t really clicked in my head, but damn… I’m wasting so much money and time by doing this shit. It’s actually insane.

As Rich and I just had a heart-to-heart we’ve been able to realize how much family, education, time, money, and all those cliche things are important, but what good are those realizations if we never do anything about them. Actions always speak louder than words… So until those actions come and manifest themselves… I think it’s worse that we have those realizations and never do anything about them. It’s like we’ve recognized it, but become selfish in some sort of way to just let it pass by in the back of our heads like it’s no big deal… But guess what, those thoughts will constantly manifest themselves again and again and again… Until we feel content with ourselves in our hearts and minds saying that we did a good job.

Trust very few friends, always trust family, and fuck the rest. To be completely honest, I don’t think I could trust many people. I was always fake to them showing a complete facade to make sure they wouldn’t question anything… But man nobody ever came about in peeling that mask off. Sometimes I even question myself… When is the mask ever off? I guess it’s off when I find the right people… Very few times… I’ve been sincerely happy. I mean chilling with all you mother fuckers is nice and everything… But never really had true satisfaction during many of those times. I guess this talk just made me really happy because we both put our guards down and really let each other talk… About life, family, our past, our future… And girls.. Haha.

Man, I feel like I’m so fucked here for the girls. And I don’t even have anyone back home that would even like me. College is the time to find that right someone… And so far, every step of the way is still haunting me. Past ghosts constantly pop up into my head… And damn, those are stronger than anything I could imagine. How much I’ve hurt others… And how much others have hurt me… That burden haunts me as I go to sleep, wake up, and even live. I never really gave it a thought since I always thought the pieces of the puzzle would fit in when the time is right, but sometimes… My cynical mindset always questions everything. I really shouldn’t worry too much… And definitely should be going to sleep soon… But I feel that tonight (morning) will be a restless night… Just my mind thinking… Thinking… Thinking. Time check: 503… Damn. And all this time I’ve been writing on my Blackberry… I guess I’m not a lone wolf, but I sure as hell do feel like one.