I Am A Fuck Up.

It’s way too early in the morning… 417 to be exact. I’ve fucked around and fucked up too many times in my life.

In high school I’ve always tried to slide by and just pass everything. I’ve always thought my mindset would change once I got to college… But how can you change a habit you’re so used to. Even with smoking. I mean, yeah I cut down, but I still need it when I get mad depressed or start thinking a shit ton about life and crap. It’s bad… Yeah I recognize it, but still… There’s no change. But yeah, I cut down… And I still plan to quit sometime soon.

As Rich and I talked about… There’s no room for fucking up in college. We’ve wasted so much time… I mean 1/8 of our college life is almost over… Like holy shit. That doesn’t really click in my head that well… But it’s still the reality. I really need that swift kick in the ass telling me… Time isn’t slowing down for you so make the best of it. Even talking with Min on Saturday (Sunday morning) after I came back from drinking… I’ve recognized so much of my time here at Nova has been fun and games… Not even, just fucking around and constantly doing stupid shit. It hasn’t really clicked in my head, but damn… I’m wasting so much money and time by doing this shit. It’s actually insane.

As Rich and I just had a heart-to-heart we’ve been able to realize how much family, education, time, money, and all those cliche things are important, but what good are those realizations if we never do anything about them. Actions always speak louder than words… So until those actions come and manifest themselves… I think it’s worse that we have those realizations and never do anything about them. It’s like we’ve recognized it, but become selfish in some sort of way to just let it pass by in the back of our heads like it’s no big deal… But guess what, those thoughts will constantly manifest themselves again and again and again… Until we feel content with ourselves in our hearts and minds saying that we did a good job.

Trust very few friends, always trust family, and fuck the rest. To be completely honest, I don’t think I could trust many people. I was always fake to them showing a complete facade to make sure they wouldn’t question anything… But man nobody ever came about in peeling that mask off. Sometimes I even question myself… When is the mask ever off? I guess it’s off when I find the right people… Very few times… I’ve been sincerely happy. I mean chilling with all you mother fuckers is nice and everything… But never really had true satisfaction during many of those times. I guess this talk just made me really happy because we both put our guards down and really let each other talk… About life, family, our past, our future… And girls.. Haha.

Man, I feel like I’m so fucked here for the girls. And I don’t even have anyone back home that would even like me. College is the time to find that right someone… And so far, every step of the way is still haunting me. Past ghosts constantly pop up into my head… And damn, those are stronger than anything I could imagine. How much I’ve hurt others… And how much others have hurt me… That burden haunts me as I go to sleep, wake up, and even live. I never really gave it a thought since I always thought the pieces of the puzzle would fit in when the time is right, but sometimes… My cynical mindset always questions everything. I really shouldn’t worry too much… And definitely should be going to sleep soon… But I feel that tonight (morning) will be a restless night… Just my mind thinking… Thinking… Thinking. Time check: 503… Damn. And all this time I’ve been writing on my Blackberry… I guess I’m not a lone wolf, but I sure as hell do feel like one.